Inner Child Artist: The How’s and Why’s
These are my drawings in response to the cards in my Inner Child Artist deck. It’s hard to say which I prefer: the initial imagery or the elicited imagery…
Inner Child Artist was created over the many YEARS I spent teaching elementary art. Much of the imagery is from art projects that I facilitated and my students created in class. Some of it is from the exemplars I created in order to teach. But it is all artwork created in response to children, by children, for children, and with children. And something about it transcends space and time. It just doesn’t matter how old you are; it’s magical. It really is.
The Process:
- Shuffle the deck and pull a card.
- Think about the card from the perspective of your inner child, allowing all responses. (There is no right or wrong way to do this.)
- Create a drawing of the card in your own way, with your non~dominant hand.
- Journal your response to the image and prompt on the card by using your non-dominant hand.
- Remember it. Embrace it. Forgive it. Do whatever you feel needs to be done to find peace. (Even if that means seeking guidance from a therapist. This deck will help you remember and move through much of the small stuff, but it cannot guide you through an extremely traumatic past experience- only a licensed therapist can do that!)
MY TRUE LOVE
“My true love is my dog! I thought it was Waylon, this boy in my class. But he doesn’t even know who I am! I wear my cutest dresses to school and he doesn’t even notice me. Lots of girls like him, too, so he can have his pick. Why would he ever choose the lanky girl with knocky knees and a bony butt, buck teeth and freckles? He’ll probably want the most popular girls, like Missy or Kissy. Or he’ll probably want a girl who would kiss him. That’s not me. I have to wait to do that stuff for when I get married. I think I’ll just stick to my dog!”
But why would you want to transcend time and space? Why get in touch with the child within?
Well, without really thinking too deeply and scientifically about it, I can tell you some of the benefits that I have experienced-
- Activate your memories. So many things seem to be forgotten, mostly not by choice. Who or what do you want to remember? Who or what would you like to forget?
- Recall your vision. Life gets us down. It’s not easy to be an adult. As life goes by, we tend to get swept away in drudgery and forget to dream our little dreams. What dreams have you forgotten?
- Make peace. There are so many traumas from our past that we carry with us, long after the damage is done. But carrying extra baggage around tends to get impossibly heavy after awhile. Do you need to keep carrying it with you? What baggage can you put down?
- Rekindle your imagination. Growing up is for the birds! It’s all formulas and finite answers- all work and no play. Do you remember the day you decided you were too old to go outside and play? What happened to your imagination on that day?
- Remember who you are. It’s easy to forget who you are in the scheme of things while balancing the shuffle and bustle of daily life. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? Are you still recognizable?
- Redefine what is important to you. Is that new car the most important thing? Or is it that corporate title? Or is it time? Love or money? What makes you tick, and why? Is it what you thought it would be?
- Check your compass. Are you heading in the direction you wanted? Are you on the right path?
Although it is hard to visit my childhood because of how much I miss my dad, and although I understand that I can never have that part of me back, I love the memories that this deck floods me with! I love the opportunity to check in with myself, all parts of me, in order to see the whole picture. I think it is priceless.
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Some draw it out; Others sing it…
My son sings it. And he’s so good. I love it. I think it’s important. And beautiful. ❤️
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A Family Reunion and Another Funeral
Life really is like the Wheel of Fortune. Things that go down always come back up again. That is a good and a bad thing. Either way… it’s a thing.
The bad thing about funerals is that someone you love has died. The good thing about funerals is that it brings you together with your family, despite differences, and reminds you how really special they are. And how they could literally be gone at any given moment. Always a good reminder, in my opinion.
I may be wrong in doing this, but I like to draw important moments and give them as gifts at the funeral, in the hope of capturing just a bit of that person’s spirit to give to those left behind. I want to bring some form of healing, in my own way. I don’t know that it works, but I will definitely try. It is definitely worth trying. (If not today, maybe someday it will. ❤️)
And in our grief comes those moments of clarity, moments that remind me of my “shell hunting” days, in the ocean tide, as a child. There is a very brief moment when the water goes back out towards sea, takes a breath, and then rushes right back in. If you can hear the breath, you know when to look down and see the ocean floor, so very clearly. If you’re fast enough, you can pluck a beautiful shell out of the shallows before the tide even comes back in. Just as “shell hunting,” a funeral requires us to pause, take a deep breath, and examine what we see in that moment of beautiful clarity.
There is one thing I can always count on… my family. In my grief, when I truly listen for the breath and scan my surroundings in that moment of clarity, I can always find them shimmering and glimmering and dancing in the light of the sun. Always. They are my people. They are just as much a part of me as I am. Same.
So we will ride this wheel together, come what may. And we will hold on, while clinging to one another, like it’s the last day of our dear lives, secure in the knowledge that what goes down must come back up. 😉 Breathe. ❤️
Love you guys! Hope that this helps someone make it through their day.
♥️ Shilo
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My kiddo (who is almost 24)!
www.instagram.com/p/B7KW5SOn6Dc/
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A couple of great decks!
I haven’t been doing a whole lot except learning how to survive in cold weather, which has been a lesson in and of itself! These are long-awaited Kickstarter decks that have finally come to me. Enjoy the Playful Heart Tarot and the Dreamweaver’s Tarot!
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My Art Room Renovation!
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#NewBeginning2020: Reparenting Your Inner Child for a New Beginning
Join me as I show my new deck, INNER CHILD ARTIST, and show you how I use it to CONNECT WITH, CONVERSE WITH, and ultimately REPARENT my inner child!
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Unboxing the Raincoast Tarot
Check out my unboxing video of the Raincoast Tarot deck by Christoph James. I was pleasantly surprised, and I especially love the suit of Pentacles!
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Wild Unknown Archetypes and Modern Witch Tarot Unboxing
Check out my unboxing video of two gorgeous decks: The Wild Unknown Archetypes, by Kim Krans, and the Modern Witch Tarot, by Lisa Sterle!
You won’t regret it! I promise!
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The Shadow Worker, a free online journaling experience
“To know thyself is to be the ruler of one’s own universe. “
Carl Jung
This journaling experience will provide you with the tools and the opportunities to recognize, resolve, and embrace all parts of yourself, including your shadow side. By doing this, you can move forward in your life, in a more holistic and balanced way, leaving all negativity, and/or any unwanted patterns, beliefs, or behaviors behind you.
Click here to more info and to join the challenge. ❤️
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Enjoying it nonetheless!
www.instagram.com/p/B4AwjfwlAY5/
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What in the actual fuck is going on?
I have been absent.
And I have been absent in more than just my website… I have been absent in my life in general.
I must admit that losing my father has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It threw my life into a tailspin.
A tailspin?
A tailspin implies that everything has been spinning around uncontrollably, in the style of a tornado. (That is definitely the wrong way to describe it. A more accurate description would be that of a broken down automobile. My life has come to a grinding halt, in terms of my creativity, my drive, my life force…)
I understand that all of this is normal and that I’ve been grieving, but this feeling of loss is ingrained so deeply inside of my heart, and I have been trying so hard to come to terms with it. I have always been able to use my creativity as an escape to life’s harsh realities, but grief has made certain that no escape will be made. Grief has, in fact, inhibited my imagination and creativity feels very far away most of the time. So I’ve been cuddling with my dog, who is truly my very best friend.
It’s a fucking sad state of affairs when art can’t cheer me up! And it’s also a clusterfuck for me because I don’t know how to cope. My Art is emotionally evocative because usually it is created out of very intense emotion. Since my emotions have been so raw, my artwork has become more of a reminder than a comfort, and every face that I draw looks so sad. So I figured it might be best to talk about these feelings in order to heal… ?
I’ve heard it said before that it is the moments of hardship and pain that define us. Does that mean that this is who I am? A bereft girl who only finds comfort in cuddling her dog? I refuse to let grief define me, and I beg the powers that be to allow me to stand in my power, and if I can’t stand in my own power, then allow me to stand in my vulnerability. The beauty in this is that either way, I have to get up.
I am starting to realize that the grief won’t ever leave me. However, grief or not, I have to stand up authentically. I must continue to fulfill my life purpose, which is living in a spiritually creative way., making beautiful art, and helping others heal by sharing my process. My life has changed, but I must honor that change in the best way that I can… by being me and doing what I know I can do! I desperately want to heal from this and I think I know how…
As if intuitively, I started a deck before my dad died called Inner Child. It is a deck that facilitates healing from your childhood, requiring that you journey back and journal with your nondominant hand, (as if to free flow, or channel). By writing in this way, your mind is more concerned with how to write, rather than what to write, and your thoughts are able to free flow onto the paper without your mind censoring them. I received the proofs for this deck on the day that my dad died. I have been unable to bring myself to pick it back up. It is not that I am afraid to visit my past; it is that I fear that I will want to stay there forever. However, deep down, I know that it is impossible to live in the past, but it sure sounds like a swell idea. (A better idea would be to get my ass busy visiting the past, in order to heal from the loss of it. My childhood was great… I miss it.)
Another project that I have been putting off is one I’ve been calling “Shadow Worker.” It is going to be a video log/journal prompt challenge that I will be sharing here and on my YouTube channel. I know these activities will definitely help me and others because who doesn’t benefit from shadow work? If you face and conquer your inner monsters, they are less likely to conquer you. Everybody has a shadow side, and it usually manifests it’s ugly self in whatever you hate, in your biases. Most people are unaware of these biases and the shadow operates behind the scenes. To face your shadow is to truly know thyself.
So today I will be starting both of these projects! But first, let me see if I can draw something happy. ❤️
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The Button Soup Tarot
Tarot Deck Enabler Alert!
A piece of my artwork is being featured in the new Button Soup Tarot, a collaboration by the CULT OF TAROT Forum! Go check it out!
YAY!!!!
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I have rat pups!
Did I forget to show you my little puppies, born June 19, 2019, in the RV? They were born on the Cusp of Magic! We moved to Oregon, with their mama nursing them in the passenger seat, at one week of age. They are Troopers!!!! And they are in a very active puppy stage now! Wait until they find out tomorrow that we are moving again! That’s 3 different homes in 8 weeks for them. Well, two homes and three different parking spots! Gotta love them.
Rat terriers are versatile, (thankfully!) flexible, exceptionally smart, people-pleasing, and fun-loving dogs. My husband and I have been living in an RV with multiple rats, and we’re still here to tell the story.
Actually, my best friend and soul mate is Skysby, my ‘lil lover dog who never leaves my side. He has been my cheerleader, and also my warden, since I broke my foot. Seriously, Skysby, I want to go outside and play!!!! (Skysby says no!)
Aren’t my little babies cute? If you are interested in my last available pup, or know anyone who might me, please feel free to contact me at (725) 600-1467. I must let him go. I cannot fall in love!
As always, pierce this world with your love and light! ❤️
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A great video showing the Tarot Banksy!
If you’re feeling up to seeing a gorgeous and legit deck, you can view a flip-through of the Tarot Banksy by clicking the link below. This video was done via Instagram by @realmonelm. She has a shop where she sells all kinds of groovy things. Check her out on Instagram, YO!
www.instagram.com/p/B1M282FH6kV/
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I’m still here, Yo!
Man, when it rains, it pours sometimes.
The universe has been giving me lots of opportunities to take a break lately, it seems. I guess I wasn’t listening to the deafening screams of the Universe to “Slow down!” because I tripped as I was going over a puppy gate and fell down three RV steps, breaking my third metatarsal and my cuboid. Ended up in a non-weight-bearing cast for 4 weeks! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
So, not the greatest news, but it’s something that is easy to survive if I can just chill out! I’m completely claustrophobic and I feel as though my leg can’t breathe! As silly as this sounds, it is very real to me. I want to take a kitchen knife and cut this shit off, but I know that it will be frowned upon. It is a necessary evil. I need these bones to heal correctly so I can visit the river often.
On another note…
Everything is falling into place in Oregon. We are going to be renting this place from my husband’s brother temporarily while we search for the house we want to buy and become better acquainted with the area. It’s a huge investment, as we are building the platform for our future just now, and we want to get it right the first time, as we plan on staying. So far, Oregon (and family!) have been good to us. ❤️ We are fortunate.
In the new house, I’ll have WiFi again! Thank God! I have been literally “off grid” for 8 weeks. No running water- no bathroom, no kitchen, no WiFi, and a weak cellphone signal has brought this girl to a grinding halt. I am humbled. I need technology. I really freaking need WATER!!!!! It was a good experiment, but an “off-grid” lifestyle is not for me. 😳
“Good to know for future reference.”
Shilo Lewis
So I keep on keepin’ on, with what I have for now…
The Fool.
Yep, that’s me! Only I fell off the damn cliff! Lol!
Be back soon with WiFi!!!!
❤️ Shilo
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The Dearly Departed Spread
I did the Dearly Departed Spread for my dad. It turned out amazing! And so brutally on point.
1- Purpose in life: Magician (My mom’s birth card): “My purpose was to manifest every single one of your mother’s wants and needs that could be wanted or needed under the sun…”
2- What was I to learn from your life? Six of cups: “You learned everything that means or has ever meant anything to you relating to your past, your childhood, and every one of your memories;” “How something was beautiful once…;” (this card represents nostalgia- anything that awakens certain feelings in you, such as music, anything with which you strongly identify yourself with, but it also represents everything in the past and nothing in the present nor the future)
3- What was I to learn from your death? Two of Pentacles: “Learn resilience, the ability to stay afloat no matter what the waves are doing because many things in life can’t be controlled but resilience is equal to balance and balance is a feeling that is accompanied by joy.”
4- What was the reason for your death? Emperor: ”All work and no play… I was a worldly man representing power, ambition, and strength;” the emperor wears the Ankh, the Egyptian symbol for eternal life; “I always did what I thought best served my family;” “the bigger picture – the greater good – the highest purpose”
5- How can I use what I have gained from you? 10 of Cups: “You need to create a literal picture of happiness;” this is not only a divine blessing but a divine promise for complete emotional fulfillment; this card represents “the Lord of perfected success”
6- What do you want me to know? Sun: “I have unshakable faith in your ability to succeed;” “A thorough understanding of one’s intuitive insights leads to complete mastery of one’s universe;” “the collecting intelligence”
7- What is your greatest memory? Knight of Swords: the chase; “Once I set my heart on something there’s no stopping me; I have a pure heart, but a pure heart is not always a big heart”
8- What is something you need that I can do? 4 of Pentacles: “The universe is about to bless you with wealth. Use it wisely. Save it if you can.”
9- How do you see me? Chariot: “Rags to riches;” “You have overcome all obstacles, even learned to master your own emotions, and have shown an ability to control forces of nature”
10- Advice, wisdom, or a secret for me? Queen of Cups: “I promise you will find love, happiness, and success. You are a person who thinks with her heart, a nurturer, a caretaker. Animals and small children radiate to you. Your inner beauty manifests itself in your creativity. Your time to be happy has come”
11- How can I contact you? Devil: “Embody your Capricorn energy to face your demons. When you are trapping yourself, reach for me.”
12- Final words: Ace of Cups: “Remember that life is a gift. Focus on the energy that brings pure joy. I am here to comfort you, allowing you to face any challenge without fear.”
Just. Wow.
I mean so much wow that it took me over a month to be able to take it from my notes and transcribe it to my website! Sometimes the Tarot freaks me the fuck out on how accurate it can be in such a very, very personal way. There are 78 cards in a deck, and with reversals, that means that there are 156 possible ways that the cards can present themselves for a single card question.
Oh my God! That just totally brought back a memory…
When my dad was in the ICU during the last week of his life, I pulled cards. I have never mentioned this to anyone because I dared to ask a question about if he would be coming home again from the hospital? I was mad at myself for even asking! And it’s because I didn’t get anything that I liked from the spread!
Here are my notes from the spread:
In a reversed position, The Ace of Cups card generally indicates sadness, pain or blocked/repressed emotions. It can also signify that you may receive some bad or upsetting news. This card reversed may indicate that you’ll find that you are not in the mood for socializing or meeting new people. It can mean cancelled social events or cancelled celebrations, like a broken engagement or cancelled wedding. It can also be a sign that people around you may be reacting to you in a negative way or may have ill will towards you.
The King of Cups represents kindness, compassion and wisdom. This card indicates that you will be finding the balance between your mind and your heart. You will learn to control your emotions and find the wisdom to accept that which you cannot change. You will gain a deeper level of emotional maturity when this card appears. You will become calmer, more sympathetic to others and you will be more tolerant. As a person, the King of Cups is caring, affectionate and empathetic. He is a good listener, diplomatic and easy going. He is the type of older male who will give you sound advice and act as a calming influence in your life. He usually has light hair and has few, if any, enemies, as he is well liked and gets along with the majority of people. He may lack the drive to pursue material wealth as he is more focused on the emotional side of life. He is very family orientated.
I thought to myself ‘This can’t be right. This deck is relatively new and these cards are right next to each other,’ so I decided to reshuffle vigorously for several minutes. I was going to pull cards again, focusing on the same question. When I was just about ready to stop, three cards jumped out of the deck! Guess which ones?
Shit! Add the Page of Cups (reversed)… OK. 😞
The Page of Cups (reversed) is not a great omen as it can bring bad news. (For instance, you could find you fall in love with someone who does not return your feelings or you may find that a social event you have been looking forward to is cancelled.) Whatever form this news takes, it could possibly cause sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, and sorrow. The reversed Page of Cups indicates descent into emotional instability, taking the form of obsession, envy or vindictiveness. The Page of Cups reversed can also represent shattered innocence, emotional wounds and broken dreams; it may simply indicate that you have lost touch with your inner child or that some unresolved childhood issues are resurfacing. If representing a person, it can indicate a young person, child or person who is young at heart, who is overly obsessed with superficial body image while ignoring their inner emotions or someone who engages in attention seeking behavior, or is a bit of a drama queen.
I am so thankful to the Tarot for that “head’s up!” It told me in advance that I should be prepared, and I did start preparing, although you are really never prepared to lose a parent. It’s a terrible, terrible loss. It takes part of you with it, the very part that defines you, the part that makes you who you are. I know my daddy wants me to be happy. I have always known that my dad just wants me to be happy, and so I am happy!
I was blessed to have a beautiful dad, a dad who left no need for any other daddy! (In fact, I have always had a problem with men trying to control me. I have told them all, “ I have got a really fucking awesome daddy, which means that I don’t need another one.”) And I am so proud of the person that he was, the person that will always live inside of me…and I am so very grateful that he was mine. ❤️
God Bless.
❤️Shilo
PS If you are interested in watching my video log of this crazy event, check it out here:
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Bend is Phenomenally Beautiful
Bend is so damn beautiful! Seriously. We discover something that is breathtaking with every step we take on this land by the river.
The river…
Oh my God! I had no idea how pulled I have always been to the trickle of the rapids until I saw it again. Something inside me screamed, “FUCKING FINALLY!”
I guess my body remembers something that my brain pretty much forgot! The water heals. It washes. It cleans. It grabs the muck and pushes it forward towards that inevitable waterfall that is so pretty, but altogether disastrous. It breaks the muck apart into pieces and scatters it so that it has to regenerate into something new, something whole again.
And I regenerate into something new… something whole again. Right here, by the river. 😉
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INNER CHILD, ARTIST
I officially have the prototype and I am in the process of writing the guidebook with my nondominant hand in order to tap into the spirit of my inner child. The thoughts that are coming out of my pen are unbeknownst to me until I pull the card and let my inner child write freely. Kids say the damnedest things, and my inner child is a bit of a pessimistic, smart ass, which makes me love her all the more.
I got the protype for this deck on the very day I lost my dad so I didn’t (couldn’t!) pick it up until now. At the present moment, I am already done with eleven cards, because now I can’t put it down! My inner child is hysterical and I have missed her so much. I welcome her back to me with arms wide open and I solemnly vow to never leave her again!
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A New Chapter in the Book of Shilo
Moving on like Donkey Kong!
My husband and I seriously just moved a 3,000 square foot life into a 31 foot RV. It’s nuts. At first, I thought about this decision we had made and I wanted to run and hide under a rock! “WHY!?!?!” Although the trailer is nice, it seemed like an obvious downgrade. 🙁
The first three weeks were brutal in the Nevada desert. We were parked in direct sun, it was 118 degrees, with two air conditioners running that couldn’t keep up. We also had no plug in for sewer and water, and inhospitable hosts that were passive- aggressive… they didn’t want us there and although they had invited us, we were instantly treated like annoyances. I was ready to ditch the entire plan and disappear into the night, no forwarding address! Bubbye!!!!! 😤
BUT… Once we started getting our stuff in there, it was feeling like HOME. Or it was at least looking a little more like my home. And it has wheels!!!! So rather than ditch the RV, we decided to ditch the inhospitable hosts instead! The RV stays, the assholes go! (So we did just that… and WENT!) We disappeared into the night with the RV, no forwarding address! No farewell… which is my typical style.
I really don’t know what I was thinking… My mother has always been the way she is and she will never change. And as I grow older, I am starting to realize that I am who I am, and I don’t want to change to please others. I had made a promise to my dad that I would stay in Nevada until he passed. I kept my promise, (and I honestly did try to be there for my mom but my mom didn’t want me there.) I was suddenly being treated like a little girl again, a six-year-old. And not only that… a miserable, unhappy six-year-old because my mom loves to tell me who I am,and how miserable I am all the time, although I am absolutely not miserable in any way, shape, or form. Either she is projecting or she needs a new definition of the word “misery.”
But I DO know one thing: misery loves company and anyone who tries to hit me up with their misery can fuck off! 🖕🏼(Oh wait! That’s what she said to me… Never mind. LOL! Dysfunctional, no doubt!!!!)
She was supposed to let us borrow my dad’s truck to pull the RV, but like usual, she never intended to do that. She changed her mind and it cost us $2000 to get the RV moved. and then she sent us a bill for $300- half of her power bill and half of water bill! (The trailer is approx. 300 sq, ft., while her house is at least 2000 sq. ft.! How is that fair?) If this is her way of showing me that she cares about me, she has failed MISERABLY.
Nuff said about the typical BS… and now on to greener pastures! ✌🏻
We moved the RV to Oregon!
Within a week, we have found a beautiful place that we want to call home, right next to the river with 2 acres and 4 small buildings already on it. It already has septic, a well, and electricity! We are putting a bid on it! I’m so stoked!!!!!
And have I even mentioned how much the river and I adore one another? I have a love affair with moving water that I cannot even begin to explain… but I love the way the river can clean me and just wash all of the BULLSHIT away, cleaning the wounds of my heart and making me whole again. It’s phenomenal! It’s more than perfect… it is divine intervention. And I am so grateful!
We are starting a whole new chapter, a whole new life, a whole new way of being… 800 miles away from the drama of the desert. (And right in the nick of time!)
And now we are really home. Thank you God! I couldn’t be happier! 👫
❤️ Shilo
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What I have is all I need…
I used to need my parents. I used to think that my dad was the only man who loved me. And although he may have been at one time, I now realize that there is someone who loves me even more than him. And this person is my husband. He has seen me through so much in the past three years. Even before he was my husband, he was my good friend for seven years. So in reality, he has seen me through the last 10 years. And he is still here! Come what may! He doesn’t care. He stills loves me. He still smiles when he sees me. And I love him so much for that! It it so great to be wanted. It feels good to be appreciated. I am honored by his love. It is true love. It is unconditional love. It is something that I’ve never really known. (Not even from my Dad…) That’s a crazy realization.
Am I worthy?
FUCK YEAH!
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Synchronicity and Wonder Walking
Two fabulous decks are being shown and discussed in this video. You can see Synchronicity by Cathy Nichols and A Deck for Wonder Walking by Amy Won. I so happy I purchased both of these gorgeous artsy decks.
If you would like to get on To gettin’ ‘em, I shared the links in the description of the video on Yutube!
You’re welcome! 😉 Enjoy!!!!
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Sorry for all the blood!
I am so sorry for bleeding all over you. I’ve never been so bereft in all my life. I’ve always been able to find the silver lining in the storm clouds, but this time is different. This time, the silver lining does not exist. It’s all black and white, and there is no gray, let alone silver. (I feel as though I’ve been stabbed through the heart, but it is still not a good excuse for me to air my bleeding heart for all the world to see.)
I have three tarot birth cards. One of my birth cards is the Wheel of Fortune and my personal year tarot card for 2019 is also the Wheel. Lucky me! I’m getting a double dose of it! Throughout my life, I have been trying to control it, time and time again, by using my other two cards, the Sun and the Magician. But, apparently, there is no controlling it. I have learned this in the hardest of ways.
The Wheel will not be controlled, nor will it be stopped. It is controlled by the Laws of Nature. It goes up. It goes down. It goes round and round. But it does not stop. And it does not care about your plight. It just does not. It is the Wheel of Fortune. It is connected to Karma. And so I have to stop right here and ask, “What the fuck did I do to deserve this?!?!” But even as I sit here screaming, all blue in the face, the Wheel does not even slow to hear me. It doesn’t take the time to answer. It just keeps spinning, as it was designed to do.
But really!!! What did I do? I have to know!!!!
In time, I hope to get off this Wheel. I’m done trying to control it. It’s not a ride I suggest for a tender- hearted girl, or for anyone with my karma, either! I will honestly say that I have tried to be the best person I can be, and I don’t understand the “why” or the “where from” these karmic lessons are coming… And I can also tell you this: I don’t feel as though I deserve it. I don’t feel like anyone deserves the shit that has happened in my life in the last three years. It’s tragic. It’s the stuff that will drive a person to commit suicide. And I’m not gonna lie and say it hasn’t crossed my mind.
But I am not yet done. With what? I have no idea. As I ponder the question of “what,” I suddenly remember the Sun and the Magician. The Sun speaks of childhood nostalgia and innocence… The innocence of childhood. Great. When I was young, I didn’t think people really died, but now I know they do. And they are just GONE. Gone forever.
The Magician can manifest anything under the Sun, either good or bad, with the many tools at her/his disposal. But she/he can’t bring people back from the dead, so why does it matter? These two cards mean nothing to me right now. They can’t stop the Wheel. The Wheel has stolen the show, once again.
If only I could remember to stay bright like the sun and that God is really in control of that stinking Wheel, which has nothing to do with me or with any Magician. But how can I when the Wheel has stolen more than just the show? It has rolled over me and crushed me, that’s for sure. It has broken my soul. It has left me for dead.
There is no easy way to fix my feelings. I am drowning in them and I don’t expect to be saved because all the people who would have saved me are now gone. They are truly all gone. And so the choice is mine… should I sink or swim? Only time will tell. Right now, I am sinking to the bottom, but I still have my daddy’s voice coming from somewhere inside me, screaming for me to come up for air, telling me to breathe. “I’m just seeing the bottom, Dad, in order to know if I should go there or not.”
Either way, I am done sharing. Sharing is not always caring. Time to clean up the blood, or at least hide it so no one can see. But I do thank you for seeing me, even if it was horrible and unsightly. Just know that I am trying to hang on for dear life. 🙏🏻 Trying to hang on to anything… even bloodiness.
