“To know thyself is to be the ruler of one’s own universe. “
Carl Jung
This journaling experience will provide you with the tools and the opportunities to recognize, resolve, and embrace all parts of yourself, including your shadow side. By doing this, you can move forward in your life, in a more holistic and balanced way, leaving all negativity, and/or any unwanted patterns, beliefs, or behaviors behind you.
Click here to more info and to join the challenge. ❤️
To be perfectly honest, this project has given me more than I could’ve hoped for. Over the four years that it took to create, (avoidance, maybe?!?), I healed so many past traumas, many of which were beyond my own conscious awareness. I’m happy to say that I’m not the girl that started this project anymore. I have evolved; transcended the pain that kept me stuck. Working with the deck in this fashion (non- dominant hand drawing and journaling) has facilitated growth from the inside, and though nobody can see it, they can definitely tell the difference in the way that I respond to them.
For example:
Just yesterday, a very dear friend of mine activated my Chironic wound through something she said via text message. I felt she treated me like I wasn’t good enough and that she was insinuating that I was lying. That activated that little thought in my head that has always plagued my mind, telling me that I am unworthy. She and I have gone round after round in the past, and my first thought was to tell her to “fuck off,” and then never talk to her again. She has no filter, and sometimes she isn’t nice. She can be downright mean.
(She’s a double Aries, and in my natal chart, Chiron resides in my 9th house in Aries. I have realized that Aries activates my Chiron wound every time. This is the reason I mostly avoid people with Aries placements. My mom is also an Aries… go figure.)
Reassuring the child inside me to calm her down!
Instead, I thought about it for hours, and before I went to bed, I texted her to tell her that she had hurt my feelings. I knew she wouldn’t care and she would never apologize, but I wanted to clear my heart space, and so I told her that I felt her words were hurtful. Of course, she made me feel small for having feelings.
Rather than explode, I told her that I’m sorry that she’s upset that I have feelings, and I ended the conversation. She went on to say that my feelings are stupid. I ignored. Even though we are not talking now, (her choice…), I’m proud of myself for handling it from my heart, rather than from my head. I’ve grown. I’m finally feeling like an adult, rather than a grown up child.
I feel like I keep my head about me now, rather than reacting immediately. After doing inner child work, I now think for a long time before I ever react, and I also try to see things from different perspectives, other than the one that I’m carrying at the moment.
That transformation, alone, is worth it’s weight in gold to a gal with a trucker’s mouth. (I know this about myself. It’s no secret. I don’t even have to talk, my feelings write themselves right across my face. My mom used to say it would get stuck like that! Boy, was she right!) 😂
This realization tells me I am on the right path. If I stop and think before I emotionally react to someone now, I have solved a lifelong problem. I mean, there is never any perfect here and there never will be, but if I even do this once a week, I’m winning. The answer is “YES! The deck works!”
If I could give everybody this deck, I totally would. But I’m not rich, unfortunately. 🤷🏼♀️💋 But if I was rich, I would totally gift it to you!
The Cards
This deck uses intuition, memories, channeling exercises, psychology, Art, and journaling to facilitate healing.
This project will go live on February 19. Until then you can follow it, and Kickstarter will notify you when it does go live. I have a great exclusive Kickstarter deal, as well as an early bird discount. Both are limited! Don’t miss it.
Whether you pledge or not, whether you support any of my other projects or not, thank you for reading this far and spending that time here. For those pledging, I can not thank you enough for helping me bring these projects to life. It is incredibly meaningful to see something I’ve made in someone else’s hands, and for it to be a part of their well-being journey. It is genuinely an honor to be making this deck, and I am very grateful. Thank you.
The deck started out small, and was meant for personal use only, but it transformed itself many times as I went along. It soon became huge and MESSY!!! And that is OK, as the process for creating it felt huge and messy. There was lots of scribbling and mistakes and I didn’t always like the art created, or the story that was told, but that’s okay because I was not about to ridicule my inner child, when I could clearly see the creative beauty flowing from her so naturally. In my opinion, the nightly art room messes that adult me had to clean up constantly were worth it, because my inner child was having fun and letting negative shit go, while my subconscious was adapting perceived danger protocols to my present life.
The cards in the initial deck.
The initial idea was to create a deck composed of art made in my elementary school classroom, with only the thought of releasing it as an “art activity deck”, each card highlighting a different art style or process, with step-by-step directions on how to do the project on the back of each card. (Of course that was the project! I was an art teacher!) Going with this idea, I used photographs of student work and teacher exemplars created over the course of 11 years teaching elementary school art, in Las Vegas, to create this deck of 80 cards. I ordered one copy, and printed it on-demand for use as a promo deck for my own personal use.
The backs of the original deck.
Around this time, my dad’s health was significantly declining. He was in and out of the hospital several times a week for the last year of his illness. I couldn’t wait to get the promo deck so that I could show him all the things I taught my students. But it was not to be. I received the deck in the mail on the evening that my dad was released from the hospital, after having a pacemaker surgery. I didn’t open it until I got home from his hospital room, later that evening. I was seeing it and photographing it for the very first time, when I received a call from my mother, telling me that my dad had fallen out of his bed, and while she was trying to lift him off the ground, he had a heart attack and died, on the floor, in her arms, at age 63.
My dad.
Needless to say, I had to put this project down for a while until my heart could handle it again. And then I had to ask myself if I could ever be happy using that deck because I associated my dad’s death with it. My dad was the one man that I knew I could count on, although he wasn’t very nice, and he didn’t really accept me for who I was. I was at a loss, so much so that I can’t even begin to describe the sadness and hopelessness that have haunted me in the last four years, since his passing. I realize that it wasn’t the deck’s fault that my dad died, but suddenly the deck wasn’t enough. It was static. I needed something that moved, that changed, that evolved and transformed. At this point, the deck would need to dance to bring joy to my pain.
Contemplating my next goal in life…
After my dad died, my husband and I moved to Oregon in a 31 foot RV. I had always wanted to move to Oregon since I graduated high school, but I had promised my dad that I wouldn’t leave until after he was gone. We all knew his time was limited, because he had been suffering kidney failure for about 7 years. Once he was gone, moving felt like a binding contract. It was a promise, after all. Once I found myself alone, (besides my husband), in a new state, with no family or friends around to support me, I thought of another way to personally use the deck, and after a while, I started using it as a springboard for recalling the past. I wanted to remember everything about my childhood that I could. I missed my dad. I didn’t want to forget anything. And truthfully, I was really mad at my mom for the relationship that we had, which was a very detached one. I did not want another parent passing, without trying to understand their child. I was not even speaking to my sister at the time, and that had been going on for many years.
Our home in Oregon for 4 months.
I had studied inner child work in my Art Therapy program, and I remembered that writing with your non- dominant hand was a way to access the inner child, which lives in your subconscious mind. The practice of using the deck to activate memories through my inner child was then started in my art journal. I shuffled the cards, and allowed the universe to guide the process. In my journal, I would make a quick sketch and write a journal entry using my non-dominant hand. At this point, I was now thinking of the deck as an “art therapy deck,” rather than an “art activity deck,” and I started using it in this way, with the idea of putting art therapy suggestions on the backs, rather than a step-by-step art activity.
Although I found it ridiculously hard to draw and write in this way, I quickly realized that this technique enabled a significant connection between me and my inner child, a part of me that I thought was gone. I was amazed at the memories recalled and the often humorous journal entries that were taking form on the pages. The stories were unexpected and spontaneous, and I didn’t know what my inner child would say in response to the art and prompt on each card. I was remembering things I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten. Best of all, I was remembering my dad. I found it very interesting that my brain was so focused on how to draw and write, in a new way, that it wasn’t censoring my writing.
I allowed it to unfold in its own way. I did not judge it, and I especially loved the process because, although I was grieving, it allowed me a safe space to escape to the past, a place I was longing for desperately. But it also guaranteed a safe travel, with a one way ticket back. It wasn’t like telling these stories to a stranger, or even worse, to someone who may or may not have a different version of my same story. It was my little secret story, and it could always stay that way if I wanted it to. It was in my journal, after all.
My non~dominant handwriting.
I can only write BIG and SLOPPY using my non-dominant hand, and it wasn’t long before this project was too large for my little art journal. Also, the outlines and color on the opposite page were bleeding through the backside of the journal paper, so I transferred the project onto single sheets of oversized drawing paper. After I transferred it out of my journal, I realized that my sole purpose for creating this deck was healing my own inner child. Just as it had grown out of my journal, it had grown out of my heart and mind. It was something that would require a large amount of time to complete. It was never meant to be small or easy. It was never meant to give directions. It was meant to inspire the healing of the wounds that keep me stuck. It was meant to move me. And so we danced.
I got better with practice!
So many things happened as I continued to work with the deck. During the world-wide Coronavirus lockdown, my mom’s house, and the entire contents of it, burned to the ground, taking with it all of my childhood belongings, and the proof that I was ever a child in the first place. The fire was devastating, but we pilfered through the remains for more than a month, trying to save anything we could. During that time, I really got to know and understand my mom. Spending time alone with a parent, as an adult, is both exhausting and fucking legit beautiful. We were finally able to talk about things, all the things that needed to be discussed, in order to actually “see” one another for the first time, through a lens that wasn’t dirty.
My mom’s house.
My relationship with both my mom and my sister had been hard pressed since birth, and we had gone through periods of estrangement throughout my lifetime. I’ve always felt like she loved my sister more, and she didn’t understand me because she didn’t want to. Strong-willed Aries has difficulty understanding a Scorpio Moon baby, and I have always been ridiculed for my sensitivity. When I was young, she and I didn’t get on very well. The favoritisms and double-standards shown by my parents made it impossible for my sister and I to get along. I realize now that my mom didn’t mean to do the things I thought she did on purpose, and that she was trying her best. I was able to share the promo deck with her, and I read her many of the stories. I was outright scared to even tell her about the stories in the guidebook, fearing she would reject me for my idea, and especially for the writing that involves her. I insisted on reading it to her before I let anyone else read it. If she hated it, I was planning on not publishing the stories, but giving generalized ideas for working with the inner child, using the energy of the card instead.
To my surprise, my mom loved both the deck and the stories. She is the one who persuaded me to use my art responses for the deck images, and put the elementary students’ artwork in the guidebook, and she also suggested I add a section after each card that explains inner child versus adult perspectives. It is amazing how many of our adult perspectives are formed when we are little. I have always thought that my mom did not want to understand me, but the truth was that she just really didn’t know how to begin. Perspectives on both sides of the fence have been updated! And not only was she finally seeing me with fresh eyes, I was finally seeing her!
My family is legit beautiful,
This deck has really benefited our relationship by opening us up to conversations we would have never been able to handle prior to the discussion and viewing of it. Not only that, but my sister and I are closer than ever. Truth be told: I never hated her. I hated the situations that we were put in that teamed us against one another, and I hated the favoritism and the double standards, but none of that was her fault. She was just another child suffering in an unfair environment, and if anything she had it way worse than me. I was her big sister, and all she ever heard was how much I despised her. I see the error in this now, and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to rectify these very important relationships.
I couldn’t be happier about creating anything in my life, and I have been able to love myself more because of it. 💋♥️
It has taken me four years to complete this awesome deck, using my non-dominant hand! Talk about HARD, but so worth it.
This is my Kickstarter vid, I think. I just bought a new gimbal so that may change…
Why do inner child work? Well, because…
“No one is coming to save you, but it is not because you are unloved. To the contrary: You are so revered, so adored, so magnificent, that to send to you a savior would be to destroy your opportunity to become what you are in truth, to realize yourself fully, in the glory of your divine humanity.
It is true, there are those who need surrogate representatives to protect their interests: the children, the elderly, the sick, the caged, the oppressed, and the mad, and there are not enough heroines to care for them all.
No one is coming to save you because you are the hero, the heroine who has come to free up life here. Yours must come first. There is no other way.
If you were not required to save yourself, you would not know what it takes, your compassion would be shallow, your eyes would be dull and cloudy, your strength would not hold out.
If you refuse to save yourself, you condemn creation to incompletion. Those you might have healed, might have protected, might have represented, might have loved back into wholeness, may not fulfill their own destinies either. For some of these unknown persons, you may have been the last dry match in the the world, and it would be enough to set them ablaze by your example.
You don’t need the white knight. You are the wild horse racing the wind.
You don’t need the holy man. You are already holy.
You don’t need the medicine. You are the medicine.
You don’t need magic. You are a living miracle.
You don’t need acceptance. You are loved and adored beyond measure.
You don’t need courage. You need faith.
There is nothing wrong with you. Be who you are: who you really dare underneath all the lies inside you.
You are the return of the promise. The peacekeeper. The grace giver. The redemptive force of Creation here to uplift the broken-hearted.
No one is more qualified than you are to do your holy work.
Apply all that secret knowledge. Set it in motion. Give it form in the world, and become the living gift that never empties.” ~ Alison Nappi, Author
If no one is coming to save me, I will save myself. And if this is what I have to offer to humanity in my lifetime, then I’m happy with that. There was so much healing that occurred while I was making this deck, and it was fun to do. However, there was much more trauma to come, and working with my inner child through this deck got me through it all!
The deck started out small, and was meant for personal use only, but it transformed itself many times as I went along. It soon became huge and MESSY!!! And that is OK, as the process for creating it felt huge and messy. There was lots of scribbling and mistakes and I didn’t always like the art created, or the story that was told, but that’s okay because I was not about to ridicule my inner child, when I could clearly see the creative beauty flowing from her so naturally. In my opinion, the nightly art room messes that adult me had to clean up constantly were worth it, because my inner child was having fun and letting negative shit go, while my subconscious was adapting perceived danger protocols to my present life!
The first photo taken of the original deck.
The initial idea was to create a deck composed of art made in my elementary school classroom, with only the thought of releasing it as an “art activity deck”, each card highlighting a different art style or process, with step-by-step directions on how to do the project on the back of each card. (Of course that was the project! I was an art teacher!) Going with this idea, I used photographs of student work and teacher exemplars created over the course of 11 years teaching elementary school art, in Las Vegas, to create this deck of 80 cards. I ordered one copy, and printed it on-demand for use as a promo deck for my own personal use.
Around this time, my dad’s health was significantly declining. He was in and out of the hospital several times a week for the last year of his illness. I couldn’t wait to get the promo deck so that I could show him all the things I taught my students. But it was not to be. I received the deck in the mail on the evening that my dad was released from the hospital, after having a pacemaker surgery. I didn’t open it until I got home from his hospital room, later that evening. I was seeing it and photographing it for the very first time, when I received a call from my mother, telling me that my dad had fallen out of his bed, and while she was trying to lift him off the ground, he had a heart attack and died, on the floor, in her arms, at age 63.
My Daddy.
Needless to say, I had to put this project down for a while until my heart could handle it again. And then I had to ask myself if I could ever be happy using that deck because I associated my dad’s death with it. My dad was the one man that I knew I could count on, although he wasn’t very nice, and he didn’t really accept me for who I was. I was at a loss, so much so that I can’t even begin to describe the sadness and hopelessness that have haunted me in the last four years, since his passing. I realize that it wasn’t the deck’s fault that my dad died, but suddenly the deck wasn’t enough. It was static. I needed something that moved, that changed, that evolved and transformed. At this point, the deck would need to dance to bring joy to my pain.
After my dad died, my husband and I moved to Oregon in a 31 foot RV. I had always wanted to move to Oregon since I graduated high school, but I had promised my dad that I wouldn’t leave until after he was gone. We all knew his time was limited, because he had been suffering kidney failure for about 7 years. Once he was gone, moving felt like a binding contract. It was a promise, after all. Once I found myself alone, (besides my husband), in a new state, with no family or friends around to support me, I thought of another way to personally use the deck, and after a while, I started using it as a springboard for recalling the past. I wanted to remember everything about my childhood that I could. I missed my dad. I didn’t want to forget anything. And truthfully, I was really mad at my mom for the relationship that we had, which was a very detached one. I did not want another parent passing, without trying to understand their child. I was not even speaking to my sister at the time, and that had been going on for many years.
Our Oregon home for 4 months!
The practice of using the deck to activate memories was started in my art journal. I shuffled the cards, and allowed the universe to guide the process. In my journal, I would make a quick sketch and write a journal entry using my non-dominant hand. At this point, I was now thinking of the deck as an “art therapy deck,” rather than an “art activity deck,” and I started using it in this way, with the idea of putting art therapy suggestions on the backs, rather than a step-by-step art activity.
The beginnings of the guidebook.
Although I found it ridiculously hard to draw and write in this way, I quickly realized that this technique enabled a significant connection between me and my inner child, a part of me that I thought was gone. I was amazed at the memories recalled and the often humorous journal entries that were taking form on the pages. The stories were unexpected and spontaneous, and I didn’t know what my inner child would say in response to the art and prompt on each card. I was remembering things I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten. Best of all, I was remembering my dad. I found it very interesting that my brain was so focused on how to draw and write, in a new way, that it wasn’t censoring my writing.
I allowed it to unfold in its own way. I did not judge it, and I especially loved the process because, although I was grieving, it allowed me a safe space to escape to the past, a place I was longing for desperately. But it also guaranteed a safe travel, with a one way ticket back. It wasn’t like telling these stories to a stranger, or even worse, to someone who may or may not have a different version of my same story. It was my little secret story, and it could always stay that way if I wanted it to. It was in my journal, after all.
Moving on to bigger paper!
I can only write BIG and SLOPPY using my non-dominant hand, and it wasn’t long before this project was too large for my little art journal. Also, the outlines and color on the opposite page were bleeding through the backside of the journal paper, so I transferred the project onto single sheets of oversized drawing paper. After I transferred it out of my journal, I realized that my sole purpose for creating this deck was healing my own inner child. Just as it had grown out of my journal, it had grown out of my heart and mind. It was something that would require a large amount of time to complete. It was never meant to be small or easy. It was never meant to give directions. It was meant to inspire the healing of the wounds that keep me stuck. It was meant to move me. And so we danced.
So many things happened as I continued to work with the deck. During the world-wide Coronavirus lockdown, my mom’s house, and the entire contents of it, burned to the ground, taking with it all of my childhood belongings, and the proof that I was ever a child in the first place. The fire was devastating, but we pilfered through the remains for more than a month, trying to save anything we could. During that time, I really got to know and understand my mom. Spending time alone with a parent, as an adult, is both exhausting and fucking legit beautiful. We were finally able to talk about things, all the things that needed to be discussed, in order to actually “see” one another for the first time, through a lens that wasn’t dirty.
My mom’s house.
My relationship with both my mom and my sister had been hard pressed since birth, and we had gone through periods of estrangement throughout my lifetime. I’ve always felt like she loved my sister more, and she didn’t understand me because she didn’t want to. Strong-willed Aries has difficulty understanding a Scorpio Moon baby, and I have always been ridiculed for my sensitivity. When I was young, she and I didn’t get on very well. The favoritisms and double-standards shown by my parents made it impossible for my sister and I to get along. I realize now that my mom didn’t mean to do the things I thought she did on purpose, and that she was trying her best. I was able to share the promo deck with her, and I read her many of the stories. I was outright scared to even tell her about the stories in the guidebook, fearing she would reject me for my idea, and especially for the writing that involves her. I insisted on reading it to her before I let anyone else read it. If she hated it, I was planning on not publishing the stories, but giving generalized ideas for working with the inner child, using the energy of the card instead.
To my surprise, my mom loved both the deck and the stories. She is the one who persuaded me to use my art responses for the deck images, and put the elementary students’ artwork in the guidebook, and she also suggested I add a section after each card that explains inner child versus adult perspectives. It is amazing how many of our adult perspectives are formed when we are little. I have always thought that my mom did not want to understand me, but the truth was that she just really didn’t know how to begin. Perspectives on both sides of the fence have been updated! And not only was she finally seeing me with fresh eyes, I was finally seeing her!
This deck has really benefited our relationship by opening us up to conversations we would have never been able to handle prior to the discussion and viewing of it. Not only that, but my sister and I are closer than ever. Truth be told: I never hated her. I hated the situations that we were put in that teamed us against one another, and I hated the favoritism and the double standards, but none of that was her fault. She was just another child suffering in an unfair environment, and if anything she had it way worse than me. I was her big sister, and all she ever heard was how much I despised her. I see the error in this now, and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to rectify these very important relationships.
My family.
I couldn’t be happier about creating anything in my life, and I love the way this deck turned out!
Healing. There is only one way through this portal. You cannot go over, or under, or around… You must go through. This is a door, not a window. SLAM IT!
And now for a funny video of me practicing with my gimbal! 😂 Yes, I’m wearing a neck brace, a posture corrector, and tape holding my glasses from sliding down my nose… It is what it is, y’all. Sorry, not sorry. 😂
This deck is a culmination of everything I’ve ever done in my entire life, from teaching elementary school art , to messing around with graphic design and websites, marketing and advertising, to storytelling and journaling, to card creation, etc.! I have had so many random opportunities to work in so many different fields, and I was certain that I would use it all someday. Well folks, here it is!
In a way, this is the story of my life told by my inner child. I have gleaned so much understanding of the perceptions that I formed as a child. Creating this deck helped me remember my childhood after my dad died. But honestly, it has healed me in ways that are uncountable. I have a better relationship with my mom and sister. I have let go of shit that shouldn’t have been carried into adulthood. I have new takes on things I didn’t understand. I have learned many new things about situations and even discovered multiple things I didn’t know about myself. I have had the conversations that I needed to have when I was a child. I have forgiven the hurt of the past, and now I can let that shit go. It’s never too late.
To me, that’s fucking PRICELESS.
This project has been heavy because it so HUGE and it is full of depth. When I realized the healing power of it, I decided to share it in the hope that other people will use it as a springboard for healing their inner child, and ultimately, their adult selves.
I am just super happy that it is almost off of my art table so I can go back to drawing with my dominant hand, which I find easier and the artwork is way better! Not that the artwork in the deck is horrible, but it’s not what I regularly do. It is hard to draw with your non-dominant hand, and even harder to write with it.
However, as difficult as it was, and as different from my regular artwork as it may be, it was completely necessary to do it this way. There is plenty of research about creating and writing with your non-dominant hand in order to channel your inner child. It really works, y’all. Get on board…
Recent artwork created with my dominant hand.
Everyone deserves happiness, I can tell you one thing for certain… Living in the past is not where you’ll find it, and it never will be.
Just a month with a professional Mustang trainer, and look at my smart and willing wilding! I was so nervous to see him, afraid that what “those people” said about him (reactive and volatile) was true (even though I knew it wasn’t!) and what they said about me… (I can’t handle him). How and why did I allow them in my head? That’s not my M.O.. .. But I’m relatively new to horses, and I realize I have much to learn. Mustangs are like astrology and tarot- you’ll never be able to master them. You can study them everyday, but you’ll never finish. There is always more to learn… new systems, new techniques, new information, new science… the list goes on. But that’s what I do! I learn.
I had nothing to worry about! This boy is stellar!
Speaking of astrology, I have two major returns I’m going though- Saturn and Chiron. My lessons are in boundaries, learning to say “no,,” and letting go of what other people think of me.. I can do anything I set my heart and mind on! Especially when someone says I can’t. 😂 But in reality, what others think of me is none of my business. “Let it go, Shilo.” I’m trying. And Atlas and I are moving on.
The next day, I went back to meet the trainer at the vet for gelding. I didn’t really want to see all of that, but I wanted to be there to support Atlas. Again, he asked no questions and he was a perfect gentleman unicorn. He lead well, jumped in and out of the trailer easily, and came out of the anesthesia well. The vet said he just had a “brain surgery.” Lol. It’s true. His brain is already working better. Not the second one, but we don’t worry about that. His eye gets kinder by the day and he LOVES scratches.
Gelding Day
It felt so good to finally see and touch him all over, rather than just on his muzzle. I even took the liberty of looking in his mouth and touching his feet. Shhh. Don’t tell him! He was still under anesthesia!
Look at his baby teeth. ♥️Wobbly after gelding is totally understandable.
I can’t even begin to explain how proud I am of this baby, and how much love and respect I have for him. When I got him from the Warm Spring Reservation, he was only about 6 months old; he was petrified. He thought we wanted to eat him. At a year old, he has far surpassed my expectations. He is more than stellar! He is like the sun. He energizes me and he makes me happy. And I revolve around him. ♥️
I get to see my Mustang yearling today for the first time since June 1st, when I took him to a locally known professional Mustang trainer. Finally. It costs a lot, but he’s worth every penny!
We’ve had a rough start. I allowed other people to tell me what I was capable of doing on my own, and I was convinced by these so called “friends” that he was too much for me. I took him to a friend of a friend to “help me gentle him” in exchange for barn work. For almost 8 months,, I went to see him almost every day. I got suckered into helping feed and clean up after 20+ donkeys, mules, and other mustangs daily that were not even mine, while my horse sat untouched. He needed gelded. He needed his feet done. He needed shots and all the stuff, man. And nothing was happening. So I rectified that. Didn’t make any friends, but I got him and it’s all GOOD!
I have to finish editing 22 stories in the guidebook for Inner Child Artist Oracle. The stories are from my inner child’s perspective, and some of them are not easy to write, and even harder to read.
The guidebook.
We all have our stories. So this is me, wearing my heart on my sleeve, as I’m sharing them with you, in hopes that we can all grow and learn by telling our stories.
I’m almost ready for Kickstarter! I had some healing to do… This has been the very best healing project ever. Check it out!
The deck!!!!
This art was created using my non-dominant hand. The art is based off of projects I facilitated in my elementary art classroom. Each card has a real story from my life, retold by my inner child. The idea behind it is to reevaluate situations, and rectify them now that I have grown. I’m ready to let it all go, but not before it has been addressed.
My inner child knows she is safe. But she didn’t before all this.
Healing. There is only one way through this portal. You cannot go over, or under, or around… You must go through.
It’s all bad guys. When I went out to feed this morning, Calypso was unresponsive and she had white stuff leaking from her nose. I grabbed a halter and called the emergency vet. I made her walk around the yard, she didn’t want to move much, but she never laid down!), and massaged her neck, and then tons of liquidy food matter started draining out of Nostrils, bilaterally. I thought it was choke, but it wasn’t. The vet started treating her for choke, but thought maybe impaction in the stomach, but when the vet tried to out the scope down the esophagus, there was a major impaction there. The small intestine had started dying, and has become septic. But no impaction in the stomach, which the vet thought was strange. Surgery can’t save her. There is nothing I can do for her, but put her out of her misery.
Some things I’ve noticed in my grief…
Ya know I got calypso as a friend for Heart. And to be honest- for my own selfish reason too. I knew when Heart goes, I would need her friend there to help me thru it. I never saw this coming. Thank God that I have Heart, and she has me.
Heart and Calypso immediately and completely bonded, and then decided I wasn’t really a part of their club. They kicked me out. They enjoyed each other every day and every night for a year, almost to the day. See, Calypso was wild, trained but not by her choice. She wanted freedom. Heart was the lead mare, and she would keep me away from Calypso. She saw Calypso’s heart and she defended her. I took notice quickly, and decided to honor them both. I granted them their freedoms in my section on this planet. They were so happy together.
I was just getting to the point where I could walk up and pet them at anytime, and even catch them easily…
Another observation:
Now that Calypso is gone, Heart is suddenly a domesticated trained horse again?
Heart knew who Calypso was, her age, her story, all the things I could never know. She made her feel safe. She tried to explain it all to me, but I didn’t understand what she was saying until now. “Leave her alone, mom. Just let her rest. She is so very tired. I will stay with her so she knows that she is safe.”
It was never about me. I’m not going to make it about me now. It was always about Calypso. I fell in love with her at first sight and I would like to say that it was reciprocal but I will never know now. I would choose her again and again, and I have no regrets. But I really thought she was about 15 years old, rounded up at approximately 9 years old
I’ll miss her forever!
After her death, the vet said, “24 or 25 is amazing for a Mustang that was in the wild for at least nine years.”
Hmmm… she was rounded up in 2016 (approximately 9) and then she has been domesticated for 6 years, with many different people. That would put her at approximately 15. Nope. She was 24/25. Add 10 more years in the wild for her. She was 17-19 years old when she was captured.
Just. Wow. This is really blowing my mind. No wonder she stared out of the fence all day. No wonder she flinched every time a human touched her. No wonder she would only go backwards with a rider. I’m glad she landed here. So I could let her rest peacefully. And when I’m berating myself because I was trying to gentle another Mustang and she was just resting at home (when I thought I should have her in training), I really should be thankful that is what happened. I guess that’s the silver lining.
Still don’t regret a thing. Just wish I would have known she was older, and rounded up so late in her life. I would have never even thought about putting a saddle on her, making her sweat in a round pen. Like WTF?
Are you happy? Were you happy as a child? Do you know how to be truly happy? 🥰
Emotions are intrinsic, and must be created from within. Happiness is something you become. It can’t be found in other people, in relationships, in travel, in work, or in luxury belongings…
Happiness is something that you must choose to be, no matter what the circumstances entail. It’s a feeling of peace and harmony that you mindfully cultivate inside of you, and can tap into at any time.
Me, as a child.
I have always had a hard time expressing emotions openly, without feeling guilty for them, or feeling that something is wrong with me for having emotions in the first place.
I haven’t always been a happy person. I’ve spent many years of my life depressed. I have heard that I am way too sensitive more times than I can count.
I have heard it said often, “If only I had understood how to handle my emotions as a child!”
Just because you are grown, it doesn’t mean it’s too late! Your inner child lives inside of you. It is the child that you were at one time, but also the child that you will never forget how to be. That child never left. That child still lives there, within you. And that child needs you to reconcile the past so that you can be a happy adult. ♥️
As an adult, I have learned how to transform my angry/sad/etc, emotions by expressing them in an artistic way, and I can tell you that I am much happier because of it.
Art allows me a way to express without overwhelming anyone else with my problems. So, rather than dropping all my problems on one of my friends, like people often do, I drop them on a piece of paper.
Art, literally, saves me, time and time again! It makes me happy to engage in the creative process! And I have to say, my inner child can’t get enough of it! ♥️
A photo of a card from the deck, and my inner child’s art response to it.
I have been writing the guidebook for Inner Child Artist Oracle, and I wanted to give you a sneak peak of how I am doing it! It’s big and…
Messy!!! My inner child’s art process is so messy. It has lots of scribbling and mistakes, but that’s okay because I’m not about to ridicule my inner child, when I can see the creative beauty flowing from her so naturally. In my opinion, the nightly art room messes that adult me has to clean up constantly, are worth it because my inner child is having fun and letting negative shit go! I find my child to be very beautiful. But I didn’t always…
You can watch my process for creating the guidebook and get a glimpse of the cards by going here.
I have been working on an oracle deck called Inner Child Artist since early 2018. I got the promo deck on the day my father passed. Needless to say, I had to put it down for a while until my heart could handle it again. I miss my dad so much! It’s hurts to recall all of my memories from childhood, because, at the time, it was far too painful. I have reached a point where I am back at it. I can think about him without crying. Finally. Thank God.
I used my non-dominant hand to draw/ write my responses to the cards.
So here is sneak peak of the guidebook for Inner Child Artist. These are my art responses to some of the cards. The writing part will be released as a guidebook for a deck of cards that will take you on a transformational art/writing journey through your childhood. ♥️
A card from the Inner Child Artist oracle deck.
The card prompt is “In my world…”
To complete a deck, primarily of children’s work, I used exemplars and student work created in my elementary art classroom; it features the work of the students I taught. (I taught elementary art for 12 years.) From the chosen card/ prompt, I create a piece of art and a story from my childhood by using my non-dominant hand. When using your non-dominant hand to create art and to write with, you are too busy focusing on how to actually do it, than on what you are writing or drawing. It is a sort of channeling exercise, (a.k.a. free writing), without your ego editing it, as you go. This creates a pure connection to that child that still lives within you; the child you may have forgotten about.
Most of my art responses are shown in this video. It is so hard to draw with your nondominant hand!
I’m more than halfway done!!!Two of the four parts are now completed! The Oracle deck has been done since 2018 and now my art responses, using my non-dominant hand, are complete. Most of the stories are written; only a few left. The last part is the digitizing of it. And then I will be taking it to Kickstarter!
For anyone who wants to get in touch with their own inner child artist, both the deck and the activities/ space that it provides is priceless. When looking into the shadow, with light, we are able to see clearly what was hidden before. And then we can acknowledge, accept, forgive and release, in order to move past that scary shadow.
The Tarot Banksy II is here! The wait is over! The decks have arrived, and I have been a pop-up shipping shop! I’m getting all of my pre-orders out and then the deck will be for sale in my Etsy shop. ♥️
Yes, my husband saved the dried herbs from the garden for my “spells.” Yes, my friend brought me potion bottles yesterday. Yes, I make candles that smell (and are named) like weed scents. Yes, I can capture your soul with my paintbrush. Yes, I have also been known to help your children hone their artistic talents. Yes, I use symbolism to create art that might mean something else and then I burn it. Yes, I burn lots of things, including sage, incense, and Pelo Santo. Yes, I honor the moon cycles by setting intentions and making moon water. Yes, I honor the earth by using the energy of crystals to do this. Yes, I have an altar that represents all of the elements of nature. Yes, I can speak with animals. I am also huge into inner child work, and I try to help you recognize your own childhood wounds in order to heal them. Yes, I sometimes pray to Gods and Godesses for help in Earthly situations. Yes, I sometimes use divination tools to talk to the spiritual realm. Yes, I do consult and create tarot cards to get a deeper understanding of myself and others. Yes, I will ask you your birthday and use the knowledge gained to study you. But I will tell you I am doing this, and I don’t do it for me. I help you understand yourself. Yes, I call myself a “shadow worker.” I am. I call myself an “Artsy Tarotist.” I am.
Hey y’all! I have to admit that lately I have been on an astrology learning adventure/overload. I am truly a self-taught astrologer now!
But why do I have an interest in astrology anyways?
It is something about the stars. I love to think that our personalities are predetermined by the constellations. Much of what I’ve learned about my own natal chart has been so important in my discoveries of who I am. It has been a life-long process, taking every minute of every day. In order to understand myself, I believe that a natal chart can be of great value, as it can be used as a guide to help you develop into your true self, your authentic and honest self… your fifth house self. 😳
Natal Art… ♥️
I have been studying astrology since I was 13 years old. I could do a natal chart, by hand, by the time I was 15. Computer Technology has made this so easy. You don’t need to have rulers, planetary tables, and calculators anymore! I love it!
My handmade chart from 9th grade, 1989.
Astrology has assisted in steering the course of my life and ultimately changed my path, by assisting me in understanding the relationships that I have with people in my family, as well as friends and lovers. It is also really interesting when you start comparing the happenings of your life to transit charts. (More on that one later!!!!)
This is my natal chart from Astro.com
It has also helped me to define my life purpose. To do this, you must look at your North Node ( also called True Node.) Your North Node tells you the direction that you need to head in, in order to fulfill your life purpose. Mine is in the fifth house, conjunct, (or with) Neptune. My fifth house is ruled by Sagittarius. That makes my South Node in the 11th house, ruled by Gemini. The fifth house is the house of romance, love affairs, play and creativity, a childlike spirit or your inner child, self-expression and drama…
The Queen of Stars
I love it that I’m moving towards fifth house energy, and away from the 11th house in Gemini, which is groups, social awareness and humanitarianism, hopes and wishes for the future. I’m tired of wishing and having hopes for the future. In all truth, I just wanna play… right now!!! Too bad my Saturn is also in that 11th house in Gemini, in opposition to my North Node! It makes for tricky work, meaning I must always trick myself into working, and that is why I have had to pursue something that I love to do, so that it doesn’t feel like work! Hahaha! True, though.
Saturn is the teacher, the enforcer, the one who makes the rules. He has been hard on me, and he has repeated several lessons, several times. According to AstroMatrix, regarding the Saturn/ North Node Opposition,
“Saturn rules our conditioning or the way we were taught and brought up in the world. It is associated with restriction and limitation but with this it brings structure and meaning to the world and our lives. It reminds us of our boundaries, responsibilities and commitments. It is often associated with a father or authority figures. Saturns lessons actually help us to grow. In you chart the position of Saturn reveals your limitations, fears and sense of responsibility. The Moon’s Nodes are related to the subconscious, the domain of the Moon. Thus, the South Node represents subconscious motivations that stem from the past and to which there is an inner inclination to cling although they may no longer be relevant or appropriate to the individual’s situation and prospects, while the North Node represents conscious motivations relevant to the present and future, characterized by a desire for the unfoldment of appropriate changes in personal psychology. An outer planet in conjunction with one of the lunar nodes is a planet of special significance. This increases the importance of Saturn in your life. With North Node in opposition to Saturn, this suggests you have learnt a good dose of Saturnine attitudes. While this can come out in a positive way, it is a potentially constricting aspect right from the start, due to the limiting and pessimistic nature of old, worrying Saturn. You may have rigid habits or outlook, and your ambitions may be so far removed from what is the accepted norm by modern society that you could create a world of isolation, detached from life, ignoring social duties. This is potentially the hardest past-life influence from which to escape. It is easy for you to become stubborn or stuck in the past. You are bound to the old methods and mindsets, having many connections with elders. The house placement of Saturn shows where ideas or attitudes of the past keep them a prisoner. Your outlook may be gloomy, pessimistic or you may appear as miserly or selfish. Major circumstances in your past life or early childhood may have caused you to develop a restricted, cynical worldview. Your judgmental, overly traditional, sour outlook will inspire much opposition in others. Working on the positives of Saturn discipline, responsibility, organization and respect for boundaries, it provides the opportunity to do work of such remarkable mastery, precision, and expertise you can be in a class of your own, where the competition simply cannot touch you.” AstroMatrix.com
So, heavy… Saturn has been cruel.
Always watching the sky- we have wildfires. But isn’t is beautiful?
Saturn hasn’t stopped me. I was on track with my life purpose before I even realized that the North Node meant something. I left a career in teaching art to actually become an artist, myself. It was hard to do, and I had a hard time with negative self-talk and a very critical inner voice during that time. I create Tarot and Oracle decks now…
Like, who gets to do that?!!!!
A drawing inspired by Inner Child Artist.
I love what I do!!!! My newest deck is called Inner Child Artist. It has an art/writing experience for each card that allows you to confront and reevaluate situations that happened to you as a child. You do this inner work by making art and writing with your non-dominant hand. I have been working on getting it finished, but for me, it has been quite a process… because each card has a written response that evokes a memory from childhood, that is, most often, really hard for me to remember. And when I say “hard,” I do not mean that my memory is bad. I mean that the memories make me very sad because a lot of what I had back then is now gone. In fact, most of it gone. Reality.
I’m a 4th house Scorpio Moon. Knowledge about my moon has saved my life because my emotions were all over the place when I was young, and I have learned how to control them, rather than the opposite. So I’m doing the best I can. The deck combined with the stories in the guidebook are evocative though, and it’s going to be a beautiful deck to share with the world because it really does something special and it has a way of holding this space for you.
Pluto is about transformation. I will kill what I can’t transform. That has been an interesting topic, though, because I haven’t killed anything yet. I just turn it into something better. Something more beautiful. Something I can deal with. My Pluto is in the third house of communication, in Libra. I seek information regarding the things that I am interested in until I have absorbed and processed the information that I need to, and mostly without formal education. I really love this aspect about myself. I am the eternal seeker of knowledge.
I could talk on and on about astrology because it has affected my life in so many ways, and I’ve been studying it for so long. But this post is getting long! However, I hope you have learned something from it. I hope you’ll check your north node and figure out your life purpose. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask or to comment.
Due to popular demand, The Tarot Banksy is coming back with a second edition!
The requests for another reprint or another edition of the Tarot Banksy have been overwhelming. I get several emails a week, to the point where it is quite impossible to ignore. And why would I? I freaking love Banksy! He is a social activist, and in my opinion… A GODDAMN HERO IN SOME CRAZY ASS CORRUPT AND CONFUSING TIMES. The deck gets straight to the point, which is something that is SO NEEDED right now.
Every person in the world: “Enough with all the fluff, just give it to me straight!”
And…
This decks pulls no punches. It gets straight to the point and it doesn’t try to sugar coat anything for your tender ears. It understands that change requires discomfort. In order to reconcile the changes you need in your life, it will show you exactly what you don’t want to see about yourself to make you think. It will change your perspective, but it will not be easy. (I’m sure that the daily clusterfuck of fake news offered on TV and social media has brought enough discomfort to you, but unless you ponder your reaction to these discomforts, you will never act, and the change you desire will never come.) In light of today’s need for social activism/justice, a second edition of the deck will be printed.
Back will include metallic foil.Red metallic gilding…Changes for the TBII.
The second edition will have some changes, including a new card back with red metallic foil, and red metallic gilding on the edges. I am going to settle on one image for both the Hierophant and Justice cards, and include two completely new cards, making it an 80-card deck. Pre-order info will be released soon!
2020 has been fucking eventful, to say the very least. It has been nothing short of dramatic; that much is true!
We bought our first home and moved into it in mid- March, the very same day we were both laid off of work due to the Coronavirus pandemic. It has been very stressful, but we are just trying to remain calm and find some sort of serenity in the fact that we made it here. Now we just need to figure out how to keep it. No one is hiring. America is a mess. The world is a mess. This is so damn sad. 😭
Our new house!
We’ve been keeping ourselves busy by working with our hands. We’ve built a greenhouse, a chicken coop, raised garden beds, a horse area, and even a water feature. We’ve planted an herb garden and a vegetable raised garden bed. We’ve been busting our asses like they did in the old days when they had to grow their food. It has been a wonderful experience and we have learned many things we probably never would have had the time to learn. I can appreciate that. I have found that interacting with the earth makes me feel productive in a way that other things cannot. (So instead of just eating/smoking it, I am growing it, too. It’s a cycle, you see?)
There is so much peace found in nature.
So much good news? There mustbe some bad…?!?!?
Of course there is. That’s how shit rolls in my life. My mom’s house burnt down yesterday. when I woke up this morning, I awoke from a dream conversation with my dad, asking if he’d talked to her. He replied with, “I already have,” and my eyes opened. Let me just show you and then I’ll talk…
My mom’s whole life is burned.
So now I finally have a home and my mom does not?
I don’t really even have any words for this, other than I am so fucking happy my sister and my mom made it out of there unharmed. Today could have been a much worse day than it has been, and I am grateful that my family lives to tell (and be irate!) about it. Disaster was unavoidable, but a complete catastrophe was side-stepped, this time. It does help you to remember what is important in the end. It’s not the cars, the jewelry, the clothes, the furniture… it’s the people. That is all that matters in this world.
I live for this.
Pleasehelp if you can!
I created a gofundme account in order to help my mama get back on her feet and start a rebuild. All of her clothes and shoes have been burnt and she is staying in an RV outside of her house, but it needs to be fitted with septic hook ups. She has no dishes, pots and pans, utensils. The entire kitchen went up in flames. She is by herself since my Daddy died, and she is too proud to ask for help. So I am trying my hardest to help her. Please help me do that if you can. We appreciate every little bit!
What in the hell would I do, on those days when my head spins and spins with shit I can’t control, without art to distract me? I would definitely be on lock down somewhere, just sayin’.
Me and my Dad
It’s also a good reminder. We can thank God for our creativity on the days when we can’t find anything to thank our Creator for.
This is a collaboration deck that was facilitated by the Cult of Tarot Forum, and online community for Tarot card enthusiasts and collectors. I completed the nine of pentacles card for this collaboration and I’m very happy with the way the whole deck turned out! I especially love Joan Marie’s two pentacle cards and Atilla’s fives/ Magician! Great job to everyone!
Does the child within us actually ever really grow up?
These are my drawings in response to the cards in my Inner Child Artist deck. It’s hard to say which I prefer: the initial imagery or the elicited imagery…
Inner Child Artist was created over the many YEARS I spent teaching elementary art. Much of the imagery is from art projects that I facilitated and my students created in class. Some of it is from the exemplars I created in order to teach. But it is all artwork created in response to children, by children, for children, and with children. And something about it transcends space and time. It just doesn’t matter how old you are; it’s magical. It really is.
Journaling with my non-dominant hand.
The Process:
Shuffle the deck and pull a card.
Think about the card from the perspective of your inner child, allowing all responses. (There is no right or wrong way to do this.)
Create a drawing of the card in your own way, with your non~dominant hand.
Journal your response to the image and prompt on the card by using your non-dominant hand.
Remember it. Embrace it. Forgive it. Do whatever you feel needs to be done to find peace. (Even if that means seeking guidance from a therapist. This deck will help you remember and move through much of the small stuff, but it cannot guide you through an extremely traumatic past experience- only a licensed therapist can do that!)
MY TRUE LOVE
“My true love is my dog! I thought it was Waylon, this boy in my class. But he doesn’t even know who I am! I wear my cutest dresses to school and he doesn’t even notice me. Lots of girls like him, too, so he can have his pick. Why would he ever choose the lanky girl with knocky knees and a bony butt, buck teeth and freckles? He’ll probably want the most popular girls, like Missy or Kissy. Or he’ll probably want a girl who would kiss him. That’s not me. I have to wait to do that stuff for when I get married. I think I’ll just stick to my dog!”
But why would you want to transcend time and space? Why get in touch with the child within?
Well, without really thinking too deeply and scientifically about it, I can tell you some of the benefits that I have experienced-
Activate your memories. So many things seem to be forgotten, mostly not by choice. Who or what do you want to remember? Who or what would you like to forget?
Recall your vision. Life gets us down. It’s not easy to be an adult. As life goes by, we tend to get swept away in drudgery and forget to dream our little dreams. What dreams have you forgotten?
Make peace. There are so many traumas from our past that we carry with us, long after the damage is done. But carrying extra baggage around tends to get impossibly heavy after awhile. Do you need to keep carrying it with you? What baggage can you put down?
Rekindle your imagination. Growing up is for the birds! It’s all formulas and finite answers- all work and no play. Do you remember the day you decided you were too old to go outside and play? What happened to your imagination on that day?
Remember who you are. It’s easy to forget who you are in the scheme of things while balancing the shuffle and bustle of daily life. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? Are you still recognizable?
Redefine what is important to you. Is that new car the most important thing? Or is it that corporate title? Or is it time? Love or money? What makes you tick, and why? Is it what you thought it would be?
Check your compass. Are you heading in the direction you wanted? Are you on the right path?
Straight from the heart…
Although it is hard to visit my childhood because of how much I miss my dad, and although I understand that I can never have that part of me back, I love the memories that this deck floods me with! I love the opportunity to check in with myself, all parts of me, in order to see the whole picture. I think it is priceless.