Death is so final.

I have always had so much hope that with modern technology and medical advances, that my dad would be fine. I’ve never been the best at handling terminal illness and death. And the death of someone close to me nearly destroys me. I’m still trying to deal with the loss of my sister (3 years ago and my niece (1.5 years ago). It’s hard. It doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t go away. In fact, I think it gets worse because of the lack of their presence, as the time goes by. But as the wheel turns, here we go again. Only this time, it’s my favorite man on earth, MY DADDY.

The Song of the Day

My dad has been sick for 6.5 years now. It’s been devastating to watch my hero fade and be replaced by a sick and frail man. It’s even harder for me to watch my mama working so hard to hang on, knowing in her heart that she will soon have to let go. It kills me to think of life without either of them. It kills me to think about life for only one of them, once the other has passed. They need each other, and I need them both.

It all started six years ago with stage 4 kidney failure, and through the process of trying to find a donor, it was determined that my dad had two different types of blood cancer. Fast forward to now….His lungs are filling up with fluid daily and he’s been in the hospital several times in the last couple months. He has pneumonia and needs surgery on his dialysis port that they can’t do without the ultimate consequence of him dying. He’s already dying, with or without that surgery. The man who used to be a solid and muscular 220 pounds is down to 150 pounds. He is skin and bones and he has pneumonia on top of everything else. No color in his face, no smile.. no hope left. And he doesn’t really want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk at all. He’s sick. I can tell he is suffering. 😭

He told my mom yesterday that he’s “already dead.” My heart is breaking and falling in pieces at my feet. How am I supposed to get through this? How am I supposed to be strong for my mama? When all I want to do is crawl under a rock and fucking die? When I can’t keep my eyes from pouring rivers?

Art.

Art is my only way of coping.

Last night I wrote my dad a letter which turned out to be really RAW and long. I wrote this letter on watercolor paper, so I decided to turn it into a little project, a little art project, that I have named “20 Things I Want You to Know Before You Must Go.”

Here it is:

FUCK!

Kill me now.

Can’t we just rewind back to happier and simpler times? Please, God?

I will always have my memories. I am so thankful for all of the beautiful memories my parents have given to me. Honestly, I would be nothing without them. ❤️

Please pray for my family. Pray that my dad goes easily and peacefully, and is met by Shane at the gate. Pray for strength and happiness for my mom.

Pray for my sanity; Lord knows I’m losing my shit. 🥺

And since Mother’s Day is right around the corner, this is for my mom.

❤️ Shilo

4 thoughts on “My Life is Crashing Down With My Daddy

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. There’s no words to express that makes it any better, and only time can get you through this. But I am so happy that you got to have a Dad that you loved and who loved you, that you can mourn for him.
    I’ve been really charmed in that area, that I’ve only lost one person close to me. My grandmother died shortly after I moved to the UK (she lived in the UK, and that was part of the reason I moved over), and I still feel the effects nearly three years later. I think about her a lot, but I don’t always get sad. A lot of the times I smile because of the really wonderful times and relationship we have.
    One day you’ll get to that point, though it doesn’t feel like it now. Let yourself feel whatever you feel, don’t try to direct it, mute it, anything. Just let yourself go through the process. I wish all the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Nicola. I hope you like your deck. I’m still healing from my sister and my niece’s death, so I know what’s coming. I just can’t believe that it’s almost here, and I wish I could just trade places with him, but I know he wouldn’t want that. I’m just preparing myself for the aftermath. When it does come, I’ll probably disappear for a minute. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think anyone will blame you for dissappearing. You do you, that’s what’s important. And take in as much time with him as you can.
    And I ADORE the deck! Did you see my post about it?

    Liked by 1 person

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