I have always had so much hope that with modern technology and medical advances, that my dad would be fine. I’ve never been the best at handling terminal illness and death. And the death of someone close to me nearly destroys me. I’m still trying to deal with the loss of my sister (3 years ago and my niece (1.5 years ago). It’s hard. It doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t go away. In fact, I think it gets worse because of the lack of their presence, as the time goes by. But as the wheel turns, here we go again. Only this time, it’s my favorite man on earth, MY DADDY.
The Song of the Day
My dad has been sick for 6.5 years now. It’s been devastating to watch my hero fade and be replaced by a sick and frail man. It’s even harder for me to watch my mama working so hard to hang on, knowing in her heart that she will soon have to let go. It kills me to think of life without either of them. It kills me to think about life for only one of them, once the other has passed. They need each other, and I need them both.
It all started six years ago with stage 4 kidney failure, and through the process of trying to find a donor, it was determined that my dad had two different types of blood cancer. Fast forward to now….His lungs are filling up with fluid daily and he’s been in the hospital several times in the last couple months. He has pneumonia and needs surgery on his dialysis port that they can’t do without the ultimate consequence of him dying. He’s already dying, with or without that surgery. The man who used to be a solid and muscular 220 pounds is down to 150 pounds. He is skin and bones and he has pneumonia on top of everything else. No color in his face, no smile.. no hope left. And he doesn’t really want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk at all. He’s sick. I can tell he is suffering. 😭
He told my mom yesterday that he’s “already dead.” My heart is breaking and falling in pieces at my feet. How am I supposed to get through this? How am I supposed to be strong for my mama? When all I want to do is crawl under a rock and fucking die? When I can’t keep my eyes from pouring rivers?
Art is my only way of coping.
Last night I wrote my dad a letter which turned out to be really RAW and long. I wrote this letter on watercolor paper, so I decided to turn it into a little project, a little art project, that I have named “20 Things I Want You to Know Before You Must Go.”
Here it is:
Kill me now.
Can’t we just rewind back to happier and simpler times? Please, God?
I will always have my memories. I am so thankful for all of the beautiful memories my parents have given to me. Honestly, I would be nothing without them. ❤️
Please pray for my family. Pray that my dad goes easily and peacefully, and is met by Shane at the gate. Pray for strength and happiness for my mom.
Pray for my sanity; Lord knows I’m losing my shit. 🥺
And since Mother’s Day is right around the corner, this is for my mom.