On the evening of my dad’s death, I was drawing. I was practicing facial expressions, like I do every night, and I usually throw them away, but this night was different. What I drew on this night reminded me of what I gave my dad for Father’s Day last year… it had similar faces, but it was drawn on canvas. I thought about that for a moment on that night, and I thought it was really strange to make that connection… I checked my phone to make sure that my ringer was on. When the phone rang, I shouted, “I knew it.” I had some weird feeling that my daddy was going to die and I had been having that feeling for more than a month. (And now I’ve just realized that I will never have a Father’s Day again with my dad. 😭)
Even though my daddy was sick for more than 6 1/2 years with kidney failure, I never really thought that he would die. He was the strongest man I know and he never gave up. He was not a quitter. In fact, I get that trait from him. I didn’t realize how close he was to the end, or I didn’t want to believe it, and I was completely unaware of how many pills he was taking in order to remain here with us.
I feel like a little girl, the child I was so many years ago. Death has crept into every cell ofmy body, and it has engulfed me. I’ve lost so much in the last couple years that I am starting to feel picked on, like this shit ain’t fair. But why, of all people, did I lose my dad? I’ll never understand.
I also received my prototype copy of Inner Child Artist, and I photographed it that night.
So ironic that I will be writing the guidebook for it as I’m trying to heal my inner child who, is missing her daddy!
Art is all I have left. I wonder when that will be taken away?
Life can be hard. So hard.