There are no words that can explain how I feel. I’m not good at talking anyway; I’m better at expressing myself through my artwork. So here I go…
I am at a total loss.
I’ve lost such a huge part of me that I now feel INCOMPLETE.
I want to float away.
“John, please hold me down.” (I said this to my husband about a month ago, when my Dad first started ailing. And I fucking meant it.)
I am so grateful that I made him the “20 Things” poster. I am so glad I researched people’s biggest regrets after losing a parent. Otherwise, I would be sitting here, HATING myself for every little fucking thing I didn’t know to do; that I didn’t think of doing.
My heart is utterly broken. Into pieces. I am not myself anymore… Without my dad, who am I anyways?
I am just a failing little girl. (I am still hating on myself, knowing I did all I could to both prepare him and myself for the inevitable.) My mama is having a another bad day. And so am I. I’m starting to realize that there will be many bad days.
I have decided to go see his body this afternoon because I know it is my very last opportunity to see him in this lifetime, to see him on this spherical, orbital planet. I am not prepared for this. This will make everything real, and although I am aware it has happened, I’m not quite in reality right now. I’m living in a parallel reality… in Chattanooga with my Daddy.