I have been absent.
And I have been absent in more than just my website… I have been absent in my life in general.
I must admit that losing my father has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It threw my life into a tailspin.
A tailspin implies that everything has been spinning around uncontrollably, in the style of a tornado. (That is definitely the wrong way to describe it. A more accurate description would be that of a broken down automobile. My life has come to a grinding halt, in terms of my creativity, my drive, my life force…)
I understand that all of this is normal and that I’ve been grieving, but this feeling of loss is ingrained so deeply inside of my heart, and I have been trying so hard to come to terms with it. I have always been able to use my creativity as an escape to life’s harsh realities, but grief has made certain that no escape will be made. Grief has, in fact, inhibited my imagination and creativity feels very far away most of the time. So I’ve been cuddling with my dog, who is truly my very best friend.
It’s a fucking sad state of affairs when art can’t cheer me up! And it’s also a clusterfuck for me because I don’t know how to cope. My Art is emotionally evocative because usually it is created out of very intense emotion. Since my emotions have been so raw, my artwork has become more of a reminder than a comfort, and every face that I draw looks so sad. So I figured it might be best to talk about these feelings in order to heal… ?
I’ve heard it said before that it is the moments of hardship and pain that define us. Does that mean that this is who I am? A bereft girl who only finds comfort in cuddling her dog? I refuse to let grief define me, and I beg the powers that be to allow me to stand in my power, and if I can’t stand in my own power, then allow me to stand in my vulnerability. The beauty in this is that either way, I have to get up.
I am starting to realize that the grief won’t ever leave me. However, grief or not, I have to stand up authentically. I must continue to fulfill my life purpose, which is living in a spiritually creative way., making beautiful art, and helping others heal by sharing my process. My life has changed, but I must honor that change in the best way that I can… by being me and doing what I know I can do! I desperately want to heal from this and I think I know how…
As if intuitively, I started a deck before my dad died called Inner Child. It is a deck that facilitates healing from your childhood, requiring that you journey back and journal with your nondominant hand, (as if to free flow, or channel). By writing in this way, your mind is more concerned with how to write, rather than what to write, and your thoughts are able to free flow onto the paper without your mind censoring them. I received the proofs for this deck on the day that my dad died. I have been unable to bring myself to pick it back up. It is not that I am afraid to visit my past; it is that I fear that I will want to stay there forever. However, deep down, I know that it is impossible to live in the past, but it sure sounds like a swell idea. (A better idea would be to get my ass busy visiting the past, in order to heal from the loss of it. My childhood was great… I miss it.)
Another project that I have been putting off is one I’ve been calling “Shadow Worker.” It is going to be a video log/journal prompt challenge that I will be sharing here and on my YouTube channel. I know these activities will definitely help me and others because who doesn’t benefit from shadow work? If you face and conquer your inner monsters, they are less likely to conquer you. Everybody has a shadow side, and it usually manifests it’s ugly self in whatever you hate, in your biases. Most people are unaware of these biases and the shadow operates behind the scenes. To face your shadow is to truly know thyself.
So today I will be starting both of these projects! But first, let me see if I can draw something happy. ❤️
3 thoughts on “What in the actual fuck is going on?”
Miss you girlie! ❤️
I’m so sorry that its affecting you in this way. There’s no wrong way to grieve, and it’s all part of the process.
However, I am excited for your projects! I love your openness to share and keep it real. I’ll keep an eye out for your series and I can’t wait for your deck to be published and available!!