I am so sorry for bleeding all over you. I’ve never been so bereft in all my life. I’ve always been able to find the silver lining in the storm clouds, but this time is different. This time, the silver lining does not exist. It’s all black and white, and there is no gray, let alone silver. (I feel as though I’ve been stabbed through the heart, but it is still not a good excuse for me to air my bleeding heart for all the world to see.)
I have three tarot birth cards. One of my birth cards is the Wheel of Fortune and my personal year tarot card for 2019 is also the Wheel. Lucky me! I’m getting a double dose of it! Throughout my life, I have been trying to control it, time and time again, by using my other two cards, the Sun and the Magician. But, apparently, there is no controlling it. I have learned this in the hardest of ways.
The Wheel will not be controlled, nor will it be stopped. It is controlled by the Laws of Nature. It goes up. It goes down. It goes round and round. But it does not stop. And it does not care about your plight. It just does not. It is the Wheel of Fortune. It is connected to Karma. And so I have to stop right here and ask, “What the fuck did I do to deserve this?!?!” But even as I sit here screaming, all blue in the face, the Wheel does not even slow to hear me. It doesn’t take the time to answer. It just keeps spinning, as it was designed to do.
But really!!! What did I do? I have to know!!!!
In time, I hope to get off this Wheel. I’m done trying to control it. It’s not a ride I suggest for a tender- hearted girl, or for anyone with my karma, either! I will honestly say that I have tried to be the best person I can be, and I don’t understand the “why” or the “where from” these karmic lessons are coming… And I can also tell you this: I don’t feel as though I deserve it. I don’t feel like anyone deserves the shit that has happened in my life in the last three years. It’s tragic. It’s the stuff that will drive a person to commit suicide. And I’m not gonna lie and say it hasn’t crossed my mind.
But I am not yet done. With what? I have no idea. As I ponder the question of “what,” I suddenly remember the Sun and the Magician. The Sun speaks of childhood nostalgia and innocence… The innocence of childhood. Great. When I was young, I didn’t think people really died, but now I know they do. And they are just GONE. Gone forever.
The Magician can manifest anything under the Sun, either good or bad, with the many tools at her/his disposal. But she/he can’t bring people back from the dead, so why does it matter? These two cards mean nothing to me right now. They can’t stop the Wheel. The Wheel has stolen the show, once again.
If only I could remember to stay bright like the sun and that God is really in control of that stinking Wheel, which has nothing to do with me or with any Magician. But how can I when the Wheel has stolen more than just the show? It has rolled over me and crushed me, that’s for sure. It has broken my soul. It has left me for dead.
There is no easy way to fix my feelings. I am drowning in them and I don’t expect to be saved because all the people who would have saved me are now gone. They are truly all gone. And so the choice is mine… should I sink or swim? Only time will tell. Right now, I am sinking to the bottom, but I still have my daddy’s voice coming from somewhere inside me, screaming for me to come up for air, telling me to breathe. “I’m just seeing the bottom, Dad, in order to know if I should go there or not.”
Either way, I am done sharing. Sharing is not always caring. Time to clean up the blood, or at least hide it so no one can see. But I do thank you for seeing me, even if it was horrible and unsightly. Just know that I am trying to hang on for dear life. 🙏🏻 Trying to hang on to anything… even bloodiness.