Trigger Warning:
I’m just giving you guys a heads up that there is change coming and if I’m not on here, I’m just taking care of it quietly. But shit is changing. ♥️
I have been spiraling, literally, into a darkness that I’m just fucking tired of going into, without a flashlight and an atlas. I will never stop going there because it is a part of me, but I have learned to balance that part with light. And also to carry directions. And most often, even with light and direction, I somehow managed to still get lost in the dark. I have a very complex personality, and it ruled me until I started ruling it.
Let’s talk personality type:
I am a INFJ, but also Sigma. I have been fighting to be myself my whole life. I have never been allowed to just comfortably be me, unapologetically be me. I have been told I think too much, that I waste my time worrying. I’ve been told so many things about myself that I eventually started to believe it all… because I couldn’t figure it out, I made no sense, I felt lost! And all INFJ’s do not like to feel lost, or to be lost at all. It’s like the worst feeling in the world for us, because we have to be able to find our own way. We often even use our own atlas, one that we have created, in order to traverse our lives. We make that shit up as we go. And then we rewrite the atlas multiple times; and it might even seem like we’ve had multiple lives, all in one lifetime. We have. We change ourselves up, thinking of it as a constant “level up” to fulfilling our journey, which is to be worthy; to be seen and still be worthy. We get confused on who needs to see us in this way. We think that it’s everyone else that can’t see us. Our “level up” in our journey has only to do with us believing we are worthy of our journey, of our lives. That who we are matters, and makes a difference. We need to find our own worth. We don’t know it, and we can’t believe it. No one else seems to. Why should we?
Rare? No. Not in the way you are thinking. Scarce? Yes. But also, not in the way you are thinking. Complex? Fuck yeah. Duality? Fuck yeah. Confusing? Fuck yeah. We are all of this. And a bag of chips. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for our brain, and how it functions. Many of us don’t even know this because our brains have been shut down in functioning (debilitated) by people who didn’t want to try to understand us. By people who probably had no cognitive ability to understand us, because our brains process in a very unique way. We have come to “see,” without being seen. In an introverted way, we watch the world, and we never take our eyes away because we can’t. We are trying to understand it. We are trying to understand why we are here, and what the purpose of life is. We are the people who must find a purpose. We kind of flop around in the world until we find a purpose to be here. And our purpose is one of a “light worker: a person who learns to balance light and dark, good and evil, right and wrong.” We need to be able to bring light to our darkness, transcend pain and rejection, by transformation. Transformation is basically a nice word for death. We can’t be born again until we die. We can’t unlearn what we’ve been taught if we can’t kill it. Unfortunately, we can’t lead from where we have never been, and we can’t show, by example, how to do something we haven’t done. We are defeating our own purpose if we do not teach other people how to do these things. We transcend these things and show people how to do them in order to change the world, to make a difference. Most of us feel like we have this calling. There is no point in denying it, because you’re just lying to yourself then. We are very opposed to lying because we believe that the truth will set you free.
Society has referred to INFJ’s as many names throughout history, such as Spiritualists, Shamans, light workers, empaths, intuitive empaths, intuitives, psychics, clairvoyant and claircognizant, sages, witches, sigmas, seers- the people who see, hear, feel, and know the things that they shouldn’t, the unvoiced things that screamed to us anyway. Our function stack is very strange, because we use our intuition and the way that our intuition makes us feel in order to vacillate in a circular thinking pattern that will allow us to connect tiny pieces into a big picture that we can then judge immediately for validity. We can do this in about two seconds flat; on any given day, with any given idea, but we don’t stop there, because we have to think of it from everyone’s perspective, on every given day, mix it in with how these perspectives made us feel, and then make connections between those feelings and thinking parts, make a judgment about all of it, and then connect our prior learning and background knowledge in order to see a big picture. We always have to get a bird’s eye view. We then go through all of these different “what if‘s” and/or possibilities that could or may happen. And we literally do this with every thought that we have, so much that we forget that we are in a living body that has senses- (extroverted sensing is an inferior function- it doesn’t come naturally for us , and about 95% of us don’t know how to be intimate. We don’t know how to be touched or touch others. (We crave it. We want it. But we have no idea how to get it because we are so busy living in our head, our body sometimes wishes it could move there. It has its cravings too, but we don’t go out of our way to make sure those are met.) We are too busy considering the multiple incarnations we have lived, in our own heads, while the multiverse of possibilities, is playing in the background. It’s exhausting. At least that’s what it feels like sometimes, “when genius borders on crazy.” We often begin to believe that we really are crazy because there is only one percent of the population that are INFJ-type people. Until we realize that there are others like us, and there are people that actually think like us, and can follow our crazy thought processes, and understand what we’re doing, and why were doing it, we feel like we may even be aliens, with nowhere that we fit into this universe, though.
And there may just be some truth in this. We don’t really fit into this world. We are very different, and we know that from a very early age. The way that people respond to us is how we gauge who we are, and if they don’t know how to respond, which often times they don’t, it feels like another slight. Like another person that rejected us, or another person that called us weird. We are weird. I am weird. But weird is not always a negative term. It actually means different, and different is good. All I know is that I never felt good enough. From an early age, I took on this personal mission to improve myself, and that is what I have tried to do daily for my whole life. But it wasn’t based on self-actualization in the beginning. It was based on trying to make people like me, and I spent several years trying really hard to make friends with people who thought I was weird.
But if you call a highly sensitive intuitive empath weird, then you are calling me weird, too. But the thing is that I have transcended that because my purpose in life is to transcend the pain, and find the happiness, in order to make the life worth living for the person living it. That person is me. I no longer care who thinks I’m weird, or at least I try not to. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, though, when I’m rejected, because I’m very used to it, and I’m usually the first one at the door before the rejection even happens, and I walk out of it, and shut that door behind me first, before they even knew that I knew it was coming. It’s a character flaw. It’s based on past rejection and past experience of rejection, and it’s a hard one to let go of. For real. We could say it’s impossible, but nothing is impossible. That’s a crock of shit.
I have spent years overthinking about why I am this way, over-analyzing myself, judging myself way too harshly, using symbols and metaphors to connect every little thing in the puzzles that my brain creates, even creating stories for the lack of truth that was realized in situations. I have even blamed myself for everyone else’s bad behavior, and really believed that it was inspired by something I did.
I hated me. I really hated me. I couldn’t make it stop, or change it. I was born this way. I was born to be a walking contradiction. It’s almost like I’ve been “damned if I do, and damned if I don’t,” for my entire life. The truth is: I am even a contradiction to myself. But the Sigma helps me out a lot, because I don’t identify as someone who is assertive, (INFJ-A) and I don’t identify as someone who is turbulent, (INFJ-T). I am similar to assertive, but I don’t assert myself in the way that people expect me to. I actually flip a fucking switch. And it’s not a good one. And I have to always remind myself about light and dark, and about balance. It is a walk on a trapeze line, while holding a monkey. The monkey is always moving and so is the line and so am I but I have to balance this shit, or I’m gonna fall.
Before I go further, let me explain Sigma INFJ’s…
You can compare INFJ personality types to the three types of wolves in a wolf pack, with the alpha, the beta, and the sigma wolves, comprising all the dogs in the pack. The alpha is said to be the leader of the pack, the boss, the one always calling the shots. They take control of every situation, have to have their noses in everyone’s butt, and their eyes on everyone’s plate. The beta are not celebrated as leaders, but they are peacekeepers who are afraid of the alpha for whatever reason- size, status, upbringing, inability to be savage, or a fear of disrupting the natural order of the pack. The Sigma doesn’t give a shit about any of this; he stays behind in the back of the pack, and watches it from behind, always keeping an eye on the pack. He is not trying to lead in any way, but he’s got no beef with the leader. He is considered savage, and he is responsible for keeping the pack safe. But he is not leading so he’s not taking responsibility for where they go, but he is going to make sure they get there. He is usually the wolf that is unseen he stays behind, and he watches from a distance for the predators that the alpha isn’t seeing. He is kind of leading from behind. If you know anything about horses, you know that this is how you’re supposed to lead. That way, when you’re leading from behind, you’re actually supporting whoever you’re leading, but you’re not taking over everybody else’s idea of where to go. You’re not trying to control the movement of the pack. You are controlling the movement of everything else but the pack. But in an instant, if you howl in a certain way, the alpha knows it’s serious, and the alpha turns to you- the one in the back. So you are really in control of the pack. Just from the back.
As a sigma INFJ, I don’t have to be the boss. I don’t have to stand in the front to lead. I don’t have to control the movement, or the speed, or even the direction of where the pack is going, but I guarantee I will know where we are going, and if we can go there safely, before anyone in the front does, including the Alpha. It’s my job to make sure that we’re going to get there safely. And I will know where we are going, or I would not be able to guarantee safety. When you see wolves are investigating some thing happening up in front of the wolves, the one that will go investigate is the sigma. They alpha will stay with the pack. The sigma is the right hand man, who would rather not be the one in the front, and in control. Sigma INFJ’s spend their entire life transcending control issues. They don’t want to be controlled and they don’t want to control. They are simply born to be intuitive (paying close attention to what they feel) and watch over the pack keep it safe, and be the all-knowing right hand man, from the back, (they transcend the concepts of “fitting in,” “needing to control others,” “needing to please others,”-save for one- the Alpha, the one being that they actually sort-of “switch back and forth in submission” to, and l they are generally not required to observe the rules put into place by the Alpha. The sigma is generally equal to the alpha, but in an opposite way the sigma will step up and leave the back when the alpha isn’t there but that is the only time they want to come to the front. they don’t really care about the “pack rules”and they typically don’t associate with the pack, other than they get special mating privileges that beta’s don’t get. This is because sigma is very different from beta, and also very different from alpha. They like peace, they like solitude, they like being in the back. They don’t like rolls. They don’t like to be put into a box that makes them conform to a certain role. They like to be the underdog they like to be the least expected. they like to protect, but they don’t want the recognition. They just want to be left alone to do the job they were born to do, from the back. But they are the first ones that will kill you if you come to try to mess with the pack. They will be the first one to stand up and fight for the pack. They will be the first one to die for the pack. But they not in your face telling you what to do, what food you can eat, where you can go, and what girls you can mate with. That’s the alpha.
That’s not me. I’m the loner who stays in the back. I will come unannounced. You won’t see me coming, but you can bet your ass that I saw you. I’m probably the least expected, and the fiercest one that will kill you for my family pack of dogs. Hahahaha! If you know me, in real life, I know you are laughing right now. That’s cool. It’s fucking funny! 😂 I am just a dog! 😂 Sigmas are your teachers. But they’re not your smiley kindergarten teacher. They are the teacher that hold you accountable by failing you based on your effort, and they will always give you what you deserve in order to teach you a lesson. I will always identify with being a teacher. INFJ is are the advocate. They are the counselors. They are the people who take the time to listen, and the people who actually hear what you’re saying. They will hold space for you, and they will be severely hurt when you don’t return the favor. But they will be silent about it because they are so used to that shit happening.
INFJ ‘s have many interests that always connect, but don’t seem to connect to other people. Even with two masters degrees, most of my self education (aka rabbit holes), has been about astrology and tarot. I am deeply into ancient systems that can provide support with helping me find balance, with bringing light to darkness. My natal chart is ridiculous and the more I discover the more ridiculous it seems to me, because it is also based on duality, and it is a huge contradiction.
Let’s learn about the planets in Astrology…
I’ve never seen a transit chart light up like mine has- and activate all of these “destined” and “fated” points, including one called a “Finger of God,” that ends up giving Chiron control of my entire chart. I swear, the things I’ve learned just this last week all went into full effect suddenly when Transiting Pluto stationed retrograde at 29° Capricorn, sixth house, directly on my natal 29° Capricorn Mercury. And within one degree of my descendent and 3 degrees of my SUN!
Before that happened, I knew a lot about astrology, but I didn’t know a lot about what it meant for me in my own chart based on all of those aspects. The aspects draw lines in the middle circle of the chart and those lines are connecting planets by degrees depending upon where those planets were at the exact moment you were born. The lines form shapes, and the shapes have meaning. And then you throw transits in. And all the other coast amount of information… I really did not get there until I was supposed to, and right as I arrived, I got a quick memo from Pluto saying , “hi, I’m Pluto, and you’re late.” I have a “finger of God” that has been activated. And now, Chiron has activated everybody because I am in a full swing Chiron return. I feel like I’m spinning. It’s hard to catch my breath. The energy is confusing; the energy is raw, and it’s supposed to be healing me by opening wounds, but all I feel is the warm blood gushing out. Chiron in a natal chart represents your main wound in your life, and also how to heal it. We call him the wounded healer.
The influence of your rising sign is more powerful than your sun, I believe. You can think of it as your beginning- or where you are starting from birth. it’s called your ascendant, because it’s where the sun was ascending on the eastern horizon at your exact time of birth. Your rising sign is your physical form, it’s the face that you show the world. So in a way, it is the raw and true essence of who you are. Your descendant represents where you’re going.
Your Sun (often called your star sign) represents your soul. It is not really who you are, though, because it is an ideal, your soul’s projection of your potential. (It can be thought of as who you aspire to be, AKA your ego.) In my opinion, your sun shows where you put your energy in and how you energize things, but it’s nowhere near the most important, and I don’t know why people even check their sun sign horoscope, as it’s pretty much a waste of time because it’s just an outward projection that you show people- not really you. I mean I hope to be as responsible as your typical third deacon Capricorn, who is born on the day of the dominatrix, but I doubt I’ll make it there. Although it’s a good outward projection and it’s a good high bar to have.) The sun enters with the question: what will it take for you to understand who you are? What energy can you project to express to your future soul? You see, everyone is under the impression that the sun is the ruler of their chart. They think that their entire “horoscope sign” is their sun sign, their “outward projection,” or how they see themselves, but that is just what you are hoping to become if you follow the map correctly. It’s not just that, though- it is actually your soul’s projection of who you are supposed to become. It is an ideal, a projection of the future, but it is not who you are at birth, but rather it is who your soul wants you to be when you grow up. Lol The sun is the way you outwardly express yourself. It’s the essence of your soul.
It’s time.
The transiting sun was exact (degree as it was at my time if birth) on my natal (where Pluto was the day I was born) on the day my dad died. The planet of death and destruction and transformation introduced himself, and then took my dad. In doing that, he also took my ability to access my sunlight to fight my darkness, and my darkness swelled and got huge and had no end. My sun was suddenly gone. All happiness had left me. I didn’t care anymore and I really just wanted to die. It took me years to break out of it. It took me years to find my sun again. Pluto and I have a very, very complicated relationship. It is one that I complicate, not him. You can’t fight death. You can’t fight transformation. You must surrender to it in order to transcend it. But I chide him daily with, “not today Satan.” I pretty much view him as the devil. Pluto enters conversations with a guiding question: what do you love the most and how can I kill your attachment to it? what can I kill that you can build back better?
Pluto will just kill everything you love until you want to die. Pluto does not have patience, and he does not mess around. If I had to compare him to a tarot card, I would say he’s the tower. He’s there strictly to take what he feels no longer serves you. It comes with a backhanded gift though, because whatever he destroys, he promises to build back better, so you might also kind of say he’s the “Trumper” of the zodiac. Lol Pluto and I are not friends. He’s been bringing me to my knees since I realized that my dad died the day Pluto went exact on my natal Sun. Pluto is called the planet of death and destruction/transformation. He wants to “transform,” to kill, and he always takes what you think you can’t live without, mercilessly. It is a lesson, of sorts, to teach you how strong you are. It is also a lesson to teach you how to rebuild after mass destruction. Like I said, he’s not my fucking friend. He stole the light of my sun, and as a Leo rising, I don’t like when my light is stolen. Ever) It would probably be fine if I was only dealing with transiting Pluto in the very last degree (called a critical degree!) of my 6th house, but he is in mutual reception with my sky daddy, Saturn- also called the “disciplinarian,” in the same critical degree, but in opposition (directly across from) where Pluto has parked his wrecking ball until November. He’s been there for years. I’ve got another couple months for one last hurrah. Now he’s taking my home. Or what I have considered home for the last 10 years.
Your Moon can be viewed as your heart. It’s your emotional core. It’s not really your emotions, but it’s how you express them. It’s the energy that you bring to your emotions. It can also be thought of as you’re unconscious mind. The sun and the moon are actually luminaries, not planets. The planets are not truly satellites of the earth, but they have gravity, so they affect the Earth, but the sun controls the earths motion, and the moon controls its tides. Gravity is literally everything. My moon is in Scorpio in the fourth house, and it is square to everything. The squares are 90° angles and they argue, they are represented by red lines, and red lines are bad. Square planets fight and don’t get along. My moon can be held accountable for many of my struggles, but it also is always there to save me. It likes to go deep and it wants all or nothing. It will make no exceptions. A Scorpio moon is considered a debilitated moon because it is in fall. 4th house is literally the worst placement for Scorpio. My Scorpio moon is in fall. It’s in the worst placement it can be in, 4th house (the realm of childhood, home, family, mother, and ancestral Karma, the shit that gets passed down the line, over and over and over again, even though it’s fucking wrong.)
I’m tired of not knowing which way to go, and that is something my moon influences. The Nodes of the Moon explain what you can take with you from your past life experiences in order to fulfill your present life experience. North is the future and South is the past. These nodes of the moon are also based on Karma.
Mercury represents how you communicate your thoughts, and how you learn. You can think of your mercury as your mind. When mercury goes retrograde, it seems like all forms of communication come to a stop, or they go backwards. It’s always a big joke. Because everybody uses it, like it’s a great excuse. My sun and my mercury are conjunct (together in my 6th house) in my natal chart, so they express energy in the same way, and they work together, so to speak. My mind and my ego express in the same way, with the same energy.
You can’t fight mars either. Have you ever met an Aries? It’s a lost cause to try to fight. Mars controls how you express your energy and if you try to fight him, he will fight you with your own energy and you will lose. Mars is how you express your energy to accomplish your goals. You can think of mars as how you fight and how you fuck. And how you use your energy to express desires, wishes, hopes, etc. Mar’s questions: what is it gonna take to move you? How mad will I have to make you before I can break you? What can I do to lose you? What will it take to fuck you over again and again?
Saturn is the disciplinarian and he’s kind of like “Sky daddy.” If you kind of slip him into the father role, you can see how wherever he is you have something that controls you there in a disciplinarian way. He’s like the fuck around and find out guy of the zodiac. Saturn keeps coming back with the same lesson over and over and until you learn it, Saturn has lots of patience and you will keep learning it and learning it in learning it until it’s learned, even if it takes you all of your fucking life. Or several lives. Saturn question: Have you worked hard enough?
Venus is all about beauty. How are you express it, how you see it, and what you find beautiful. I think of her like a big goddess , and also the lover, as she represents your desires.
Neptune is linked to escapism and how you cope with your problems. He is also linked to mysticism and spirituality, and what you will do to solve them for your own sanity. Or if you will drown in escape. He is also linked to Pisces in a very real way.
Key takeaways for Shilo:
I am seeing so much duality in everything- good and evil, black and white, and I’m getting taught new Chiron lessons that are bringing up shit I thought I had healed. I have everything swinging in opposites on every axis. I’m taking the opportunity to learn, and I’m learning some very good information from some very great astrologers. I honestly didn’t see myself in chat forums, and in direct messaging with professional astrologers that actually respected my insight and noted my observations, especially people who are my personal friends. I’m actually getting really good at this now.
My lesson is to go forward in my truth and be me. Do it. Don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid of what people think. Don’t care if people listen because the people that need to hear it, will. And those are the people who will get it. It doesn’t matter if the people who don’t get the message I’m sending, don’t understand it, because it wasn’t meant for them in the first place. But that is nearly impossible to do when you have been made to repress yourself your whole life. When you have been told that you are too much and you need to bring it down. When it was never explored, and it was never allowed, and it became a problem for you because it was a problem for everyone else. And especially since it was a problem to the one person that you needed to listen to you most; the one person who was the one who told you to shut up all the time. In fact, the last thing that my dad said to me was “shut up Shilo.” I was 45 years old, and he was still saying it to me. He said it multiple times, every time I opened my mouth in his presence. I don’t know why, but my dad did not want to hear me. He did not want to see me. He did not want me to know who I actually was. And that is one thing that I will never understand. But it is one thing that has held me back exponentially in my own growth, and in my own life. And it is one thing that I am going to transcend in this life.
To believe that some wounds are deep, so deep that they can never be healed, is a cop out for a person who wants to stay wounded and broken. A person who says that they want to fix themselves, but then they do nothing to try to fix themselves is a lazy person, who doesn’t mind seeing themselves that way… like I could fix it if I wanted to, if I cared enough. But I don’t care enough, so I’m just gonna sit here being broken and unfixable. Lazy. It is true that we hide some of these wounds so deep because we never want them revealed. Some are related to love, some to money, some to other people, but ALL of them are our wounds, and blaming others for the ways we respond to someone picking at it, well that’s our shadow coming out to play. And they come out to play. Every chance they get, anytime that one is packed. And until you turn around and encounter and face it. It brings fears, and it brings shame, and it brings all of those feelings in with a rush, and you can’t stop it…because you haven’t done the work. You haven’t cared about yourself enough to try. You’ve decided that laziness is better than healing. You’re going to let transformation and death be the death of you. But I have learned that burying things in your body, repressing these deep wounds and emotions will keep you stuck in a loop that you will never escape. I don’t think of my body as a place to bury things. Burying things are what make people sick releasing things are what makes people better you can’t release it until you know what it is. You can’t know what it is until you try to see it. You can’t see it until you can conceptualize it and realize that there are two sides to you…always, and maybe even more. There is a conscious side and there is a subconscious side. Your shadow lives in your subconscious side, which controls approximately 94% of your brain. Your conscious thoughts are not in control at all. You are relying on the wrong part for your answers. You are relying on the part that you actually can control and it is kind of wasting your time, if you ask me.
Fuck that.
Bringing light to darkness…
I prayed for it.
And this is what the universe delivered.
But I see some shit in there that is cringe, like no. But it makes me dive deeper. And it helps me transform anger and darkness into something tangent. I have control over tangent things. I can either care for them or I can destroy them, but I can hold them in my hand. Emotions are wild. They are energy. They can’t be controlled, but they can be channeled. Be like the river.
Don’t try to find anything outside of yourself to determine your flow, your energy, your happiness.
Transcend it.
Life is beautiful.
♥️ Shilo
