I have freely given of myself to many people, but I have gone above and beyond for my parents. I have traveled across deserts in the middle of the night, I have stayed for a week so my mom could go on a vacation, John and I were the ONLY FAMILY MEMBERS that helped them move three houses and two garages full of shit in the middle of the summer (even when they were not there to help). I have watched my parents dogs several times, even getting fined $800 because my lease stated that no other dogs were allowed on the premises, and didn’t even tell them about it, but paid it myself!!!! I have always dropped my life to help them with theirs, no matter what other plans or problems I had in my own. When my Dad was in the hospital, I drove to St. George every day and I was the first to get here when my Dad died. I did all of this out of love. I did it because I wanted to help them.
But it seems no good deed goes unpunished. I’m just minced meat and in the fucking way now that my Dad is gone. My dad’s death has killed my relationship with my mom. Or maybe it was his life that killed it… who knows? But she is ready to continue hers without me in her way. I don’t know, but what I do know inherently is that I’m an orphan now.
I am mourning the death of both parents- one physically and one emotionally.
My mom’s boyfriend is right. A tower has definitely fallen, a tower named Jerry Cooper, that was in their way… And I am sitting here under the rubble thinking to myself that ‘this is going to be a bitch to clean up.’ But this time, I don’t have the strength or will to help. I’m just forlorn and bereft and BROKEN. And a little dead myself. (Well, actually a lot dead, but I do not matter. I’m no one.)
I must say my goodbyes and carry on, as a different person, without a family. And never look back.